Musings of a Wandering Saint

A Long Overdue Update

2010-08-29T06:42:00.015-05:00

A weather report: the sun does in fact still shine occasionally here in Switzerland. Though only for a few hours this morning...it felt wonderful. But weather aside, life here in this neutral, hyper efficient and overly insured nation is lovely right now. I feel like I finally have a healthy rhythm between work, eating, exercise, friends, family and stress. I don't know why I'm always so surprised when everything works out exactly the way it should. Usually, I suppose, because I'm a perfect mess as I stress through everything and then ultimately find the simplest solution and marvel at how I thought it would be so complicated. (though to be fair to myself, the Swiss do make everything INCREDIBLY complex and indecipherable)

But in 2 weeks Mike will be here and we can finally start a life together in the same place...not only the same country...the same BUILDING! Imagine :D And the fact that we have a house is a miracle of sorts. We'll be spending the next year living in a large old house, as house sitters in a way. The woman who owns the house is in the end stages of suffering from a brain tumor yet her children don't want to take over the house quite yet and thus need someone to live there...a lived-in house is much healthier than one that stands empty...and this one has a HUGE garden that is going to take a lot of work. We're both excited to see if any of our Malawi garden skills will carry over and just as excited to learn about all the trees and plants already in the garden.

At work, things have also gotten better so that though there are still occasional periods of too little work there are always secretaries on vacation who's places I can fill or reports that I can translate or excel spreadsheets I can create. My contract will expire in November and I'm already on the hunt for a new job...something that will hopefully turn into something more permanent. I had an epiphany of sorts while writing my cover letter, trying to explain my goals. I realized I've been incredibly naive in thinking that some amazing NGO would hire me as an engineer that doesn't know anything, and send me to some far off country to train me and help people that don't have clean drinking water. There is no such NGO. They don't have time or resources to train rooky engineers. They want someone that already knows what they're doing (to the tune of 5-7 years experience). And so that has become my goal. To become that engineer that has that experience so that I can actually help. As of right now, I'd just be a burden.

This has become my mantra:

"We can never let the chaos and injustice make us so blind with anger that we become part of the problem. Understanding, kindness, compassion and love are the only true revolutionary ideas. When we compromise those, we become what we despise and we lose our humanity."

The end draws near...and Kalumbu is someone elses home...

2009-11-23T07:32:00.003-05:00

It’s been surreal moving out of Kalumbu. Yet in a way it’s a relief….it’s all people have been talking about for the last two weeks, so I’m glad that’s finally done. At the same time I ache for the home I’m leaving behind here…the sense of myself I have here. For the last two years I’ve been Madam, Jeanini, who gets water and teachers, and chats with her neighbors and does this silly running thing and makes funny fish faces when kids are struck dumb by her whiteness. And soon I’ll no longer be that same Jeannine. At first I’ll LOVE it…I won’t have to stress about lesson planning or marking or alawys conversing in a 3rd language or deal with annoying people as I run or bike…and I’ll be on a high from being with my family and Mike for twenty four hours a day! But then, shortly, I’ll miss my independence, the thrill of baking something exquisite on fire, the maternalness of my neighbors, the gleeful giggling when the kids come to ask for the soccer ball, the tomato lady stopping by my house and the banana man giving a bunch of bananas even when I wasn’t going to buy any. I finally feel understood here…even though they don't understand WHY they understan – but they do! And they make allowances for [and I’m sure get amusement from] my bizarre azungu-isms.

And now they will have make those allowances for [and get amusement from] someone else! It felt strange giving over my community to someone I hardly knew...even though I knew it was coming - I still wasn't quite ready for it. But she'll be fine and the village will be fine...it will all be fine. That's what I keep telling myself :)

Today was a whirlly wind of getting stuff done in town before I head up to Mike's site for some quiet and NO STRESS...getting Chimz all situated with money, school, bank, phone has been ridiculous...I feel like it would be quite the responsibility in the states [to suddenly be a functional parent to a 20 year old] but Malawi just makes everything twice as hard. Like the bank -- apparently his school ID isn't acceptable...so he has to go get to passport photos...then go to this tiny obscure office to request a letter and have them stamp his photos...then take that stuff back to the bank where we can actually open his account. Really? Couldnt they make a bit more difficult? I mean surely they forgot that we also need to track down his birth certificate and his great-great-great-grandfathers original name. But apparently they're letting us off easy :l I was not happy. But for a few days I won't let myself think about it. I can't do anything about any of it -- about Chimz and his future, about my reports, about the electricity at Kalumbu, whether or not our cedar chests will be done and actually get on the plane -- when I'm in Mkuzi...so I won't worry about it. Or I will at least try not to.

And November looms...

2009-11-02T05:26:00.007-05:00

Sunday breakfast...

Peach sponge cake :)

Plastic shoes galore...

Clothes anyone?

Tomatoes at the wednesday market...

The mango lady at my market...

Millet, sorghum, dried greens, corn, groundnuts...

Tangerines...they call them manatchesi here

Fabric, fabric, fabric

The secret chitenje market

Animal Transport :)

I apologize for not writing for so long. I guess it’s because it feels like nothing has happened, life is winding down and I have nothing to do. I went from 5 regular classes a day plus 4 hours of external classes a week – to only teaching 2 classes a day. My busy spirit is freaking out! But I’m getting better at being, just being.
As much as I will miss my village, my neighbors, my students – I will not miss the drama of PeaceCorps. Things are changing, administratively and not for the better, and I’m glad to be checking out before there are serious repercussions.

A few weeks ago my girl’s club made their own paper. It was hilarious to watch their competetiveness come out as they tried to beat eachother in ‘paper perfection’.
Running is funny – if I run a different route, the women on the normal route will stop me later in the day and ask ‘Muli bwino? Sindinakuwone ma’mawa – musadathamanga?’ [are you okay? We didn’t see you running this morning!]. I also enjoy hearing ancient women explain to their visiting friends who I am, why I’m wearing trousers and why I’m running around at 5:15 in the morning…as all others are heading out to their fields.
I’m no longer stressing about school…just about everything else: will I leave Kalumbu well, will I say goodbye to everyone that I should, will we be able to get cedar chests, how on earth will we pack everything, will I get fat in America, what do I get everyone for Christmas, will the electricity ever be connected, will Chimwemwe pass his entrance exams…so my mind is not lacking things to worry about.
Random Stuff:
• My previous neighbor’s daughter [6 years old] was kidnapped a few nights ago by witch doctors and taught witchcraft. A few days later they were at the market and the mother was buying herself a skirt when her little girl said “Mum, why are you buying that? You won’t have a chance to wear it.” When her mother asked why, the little girl said “Because I’m going to kill you with a hammer!” Last I heard, they had sent her to stay with her grandmother.
• My house looks emptier and emptier with each trip into town.
• I think I have a worm infection. This is what happens when you teach biology – as you teach all the various diseases and their respective symptoms you become a hypochondriac.
I used to have, in the states, this self-concsiousness about running..that I’d be embarassed, that people would see me. Yup…think I’ve gotten over that. And for the most people are fine about it…just the occassional asshole that ruins everything – oddly most often said assholes are men. Mmmmm. I really don’t mean to always write about my running – it’s just that that’s when all the interesting stuff happens. The other day it looked like I was a chasing a chicken just because the darn organism could figure out that it should veer right or left and so it just ran in front of me screeching for a half mile. Or there’s the random man in the woods that does karate, or the man that wears a hard hat as he’s farming his field by hand.

The Glory of Scientifics

2009-08-09T05:49:00.007-05:00

8 August 2009

Warning: Do not arrive in your village in the dark when there is a chieftainship going on. Mike and I endured 2 very tired kabazas [bike taxis] as we were trying to reach my house before nightfall. But between their tired legs, a broken bicycle fork and an anslaught of Gule Wambkulu...we didn’t make it. The kabazas were nice enough to walk us past the graveyard near my village so that we would be past any Gule nonsense…but that sill left a good 4k to be walked before we got home. I was incredibly grateful that Mike was there! Half dressed men wielding machetes that think they are the reincarnation of wild animals was not my idea of a safe jaunt home in the moonlight. But we made it, all of our limbs machete wound free and neither of us have any need to see any more of this particular part of Malawian culture.

For Erste Auguscht Mike made me Swiss cows and lampions :)

I am back in Lilongwe before heading off to my groups COS [Close of Service] conference at the lake for the next few days. The past week at site was a strange as Mike was there until early Thursday morning and then Ali arrived Thursday afternoon and we came in together this morning. It was a full week of teaching and the like but I am in love with full hour periods for math and biology as I can get through all of the material AND the students have a chance to practice IN CLASS! It was glorious! I also, finally, brought the calculators to class to use for the trigonometry units in Form3 and Form4. The students were flabbergasted to say the least…they were amazed at how easy they were to use. The best part was showing them how the calculator [they call them ‘Scientifics’] can remember the answer they found and they just have to press the “Ans” button in the next operation they do…Ishmael’s face in particular was fabulous. He even came to the office later to congratulate me on my calculators…as though I had invented them. Mmmm.

It’s so strange to think that we only have about 4 months left here in Malawi. We will be the next group of volunteers to go home. We’re all getting a little bit antsy I feel – mostly ready to be finished with teaching and the drama in our villages. I wish I could just sort of sneak out after we close school in November but that wouldn’t fly. Not by a long shot…my neighbors would kill me and hate my replacement if I just left without say goodbye – formally. So, a farewell ceremony has to be planned relatively soon and the proper people invited so that no one is offended or snubbed. That I am NOT looking forward to…as I enjoy nothing more that being pleasantly inconspicuous.

Chilly Chilly Days....

2009-07-07T08:18:00.000-05:00

30 June 2009
The last day of June has my fingers and toes numb form cold. I forgot to check the thermometer this morning but I need to buy some closed toed shoes. All day as I wrote notes on the board my fingers would cramp up from cold and my voice would crack from all the dust being whipped up by a cruelly cold wind. It is winter here. I may be less drowsy without the heat and therefore more productive, but I find myself thinking of bed more often…as that is the only place I actually feel warm.
I think I should extend. Not really, but I find myself brimming with ideas now and rapidly running out of time and not wanting to have too many projects happening at the same time. The electricity [thank you to Friends of Malawi] should be installed soon; I am waiting on another proposal for new student toilets and I’m currently helping an organization in Nathenje to get funding for orphan care projects they want to start. Then yesterday I got to thinking about how simple it would be to convert our spare classroom into a library. At present all o our books are shoved into a 3x8ft space, filled with termite gnawed shelves and when the students borrow them they take them home, get them dirty, tear pages or lose them. With an actual room, students would read books THERE and there would be far less damage. Simple simple. But I will wait until after we’ve got working light bulbs in all the classrooms. Then we can start the library.

2 July 2009
The entry into July has been no warmer than the departure from June. As I teach I am reminded of my senior biology class in high school. Dow High’s heating system was ancient, resulting in sauna-like English classes and iceboxes for math and science. I remember the classroom being so cold that we would wear our hats, coats and gloves to class…I even brought a blanket some days to keep my feet and legs warm. It always takes me a minute to figure out why I’m so cold here…even inside. Because across the vast ocean we actually have window panes to prevent wind, insulated walls, carpet and furnaces to blast around warm air.
That reminds me of the Midland house. We had floor vents and early on winter mornings, after showering and getting dressed, I’d erect a blanket tent over the vent in the kitchen and warm myself back up. It’d piss my dad off as he claimed I was hoarding all the heat intended for the entire room. At the Koinonia house in Grand Rapids I’d just perch on the various radiators in the house. Not so much an option here unfortunately.

7 July 2009
We’ve survived two independence days in one weekend – 4th of July for America and 6th July for Malawi, which celebrated 45 years of independence this year. We spent the Saturday [which was chaos at the Lilongwe house] secluded in Blantyre…cooking, watching movies and marking tests…in the quiet. We found an amazing Indian place and made bean burgers for dinner one night [but they weren’t as good as your “Jeannine’s and American Dinner” burgers Hope…how did you make them?]. Then we came back up yesterday…to a slightly less quiet Lilongwe house…without towels, sheets or clean bathrooms with tubs that drain. But there was hot water and that covers any multitude of other amenities in my mind! Today is finishing up proposals, checking in with the office staff, checking mail and email and saying goodbye to Alex who goes back to Kalamazoo today…after his two years in Malawi he heads home this afternoon – to Michigan. And it all seems so much nearer for me…the departure in December. But first I need to survive the end of the second school term. Have I mentioned before how much I loath the end of term?

Shimmying into June...

2009-06-21T05:56:00.012-05:00

The true sign of a teacher...flip charts...chalk even all over the feet!!! :)

Early morning rays filter through my 'heating bath water' fire's smoke

Weird fruit thing that I found...thought it looked pretty cool though. Something IKEA designers would use as inspiration for a lampshade!

The garden in various stages of revamping...

17 May 2009
For all those who have ever wondered how this Peace Corps volunteer spends her Sunday mornings, here you go:
I slept in [until 6:30], got the charcoal fire started to heat up water, made crepes with dried cherry syrup [thanks Kari!!!!] and then settled down to some BBC World Have Your Say and painting my fingers and toes.

Stella is forcing me to go to church as I haven’t gone in nearly 3 months. Then Chimwemwe and I are having lunch before our belated Chichewa lesson. Hope he likes pitas!
It’s chilly these days…and dry. We have entered winter season. Thankfully the sun is bright and warm during the day.
For all that were worried, I am out of my funk. A chat with my mother helped…but so did finally getting home. I realized that my students, neighbors didn’t care that I didn’t have the money for the electricity…they were more concerned that I was home. And really, my primary duty here is to teach and be present in my village…and so that’s what I’m doing.
A few days ago, I taught my neighbors, Fanny, Eli and Edinesi how to make paper using only things they already had around their house: basins, bits of fabric, bricks, flour sieves, grassmats. We had a blast and they thought it was extraordinary! I also had to clarify that I didn’t come up with it myself. They thought I was a genius!

18 May 2009
Day before elections here in Malawi, finds me feeling purposeless and frustrated. I was expecting an almost full week of teaching. But yesterday I got a call from the deputy headmaster, that we’d have a holiday till Friday. And I couldn’t even hold holiday classes because students, in anticipation of a break, have gone back to their original homes. Uhg. Thus the purposelessness. And I can’t go anywhere….to town, to Mikes because we are in security hold. Due to the unknown reaction to elections we volunteers are confined to our villages. And so, therein lies the frustration. I’m trying to contact my site mate to see if he is around this week. Though site mate is a loose term…he’s a three hour bike ride away. Either way, I’m taking care of all out of house chores today, so I can just hole up in my house. The last place I want to walk past tomorrow would be the primary school where voting is happening. Part of me wants to see it, but the rational part of me, the part where I understand that I would be an azungu spectacle, that part tells me to stay home!
I took a long walk this afternoon along which I was given ground nuts [well, forced to take them was more like it] by a lovely woman and asked for money by a punkass little kid. But in spite of these distractions I managed to convince myself that sometimes you just have down time – and you just have to deal with it. And it’s no good filing it up with new activities because when life comes back in full force you won’t be able to follow through on those new ventures.
The new cool think to do in my neighborhood if you’re under the age of 5 is to jump up and down, in a rather wild fashion while shouting “Jeanini, Jeanini, Jeanini!” They don’t seem to expect any kind of response, purely for their own amusement.
Oh, and I think I might be out of sunscreen. That might be a problem. Finding some is definitely on the program for tomorrow.

19 May 2009
Good news, found a whole new bottle of sunscreen amidst all the bug spray stuff my family brought with them last year!
Today’s been great – made cake and tea just as Stella arrived, so we had tea together. Very Malawian. Then there was the neighborhood trip to the well – with election banter all along the way. Getting back after my second trip, my pizza dough was ready, so I started baking and then made cheese. And so I am having tomato ricotta pizza for lunch.

And I also made use of my eaten pumpkin shells by spray painting them and using them as storage containers.

21 May 2009
I am bike home after what Mike has coined my ‘Tour de Kalumbu’. I went to visit my site mates, and though I am no gauge of distance, it took me three hours with only one short pause to chat with one of my student’s parents. And no rubbery legs!!!! I was able to meet new students, especially the two that live with Brian, my nearest azungu neighbor. His two boys are great, funny and full of questions. With his student housemates and ‘maleness’ we decided it would be less scandalous if I spent the night at Salima’s house – about 3 minutes further along the road and she has electricity and even get VOA on her radio. So we prepped dinner as we listened to Larry London taking requests from around the world.

25 May 2009
Today there was another mysterious chair disappearance at school, leaving me and another teacher to flip a desk over on its side and share a perch as we marked papers. It was an interesting study in balance as when either of us shifted or got up the desk tipped precariously.
I’m averaging 3 books every week right now. I just finished JapanLand. It was a good culture study; as a foreigner trying to understand another. Though, I kiss the ground that my host family was NOTHING like this woman’s in Japan! Now I’m reading a book about a Peace Corps murder; one volunteer stabbed another to death in Tongo in the mid 1970’s called American Taboo. I’ve just started but it’s making me think about Peace Corps policy and institutional structure.

A random list for you:
Things I Oddly Like Here
Lots of salt on my food [it’s a craving many of us have developed here]
Cooked pumpkin
Beans [brown, white, yellow, red…]
Greens
Overly ripe, brown spotted bananas
Guavas, seeds and all

Oh, and I found a German Shortwave radio station. It’s only on in the evening…and only scratchily at that…but it’s a nice escape. Only I can understand it…the only one in my village. It’s a nice invisible feeling

Our staging director in Philly almost two years ago, casually mentioned that many volunteers miss all the attention when they come home. I will not be one of them. However, I feel that we will seem rather egotistical for a while; for this reason: here, when there’s a sudden outburst, discussion or explosion of laughter, I assume it’s because of me or because of something I have done…usually the assumption is right. However, back stateside, the assumption will most likely be wrong and we will look self-absorbed. Unless, of course, I’m carrying my groceries home on my head.

26 May 2009
A week since elections and the previous president, Bingu wa Mutharika, will get another 5 years. Everyone is happy, except the one opposition leader who is trying to prove rigging. Though, no one is paying him much attention…including his own Press Secretary, who was then fired. Whoops.
A not about jealousy: I don’t know the situation in other African countries, but Malawians cultivate an amazing degree of jealousy. People are openly jealous when things go well for someone else, they will go to the witch doctor to cures them, they will sabotage their own family members that excel in school. One of the teachers at school has singled out my three students, waiting for them to trip up and then unfairly punishes them. He doesn’t even have a child of an age to be in their place and get my ‘favour’. On what grounds is he jealous? I will never understand.

4 June 2009
I am now the proud owner of a flashy new Nalgene bottle [thank you to a lovely set of parents in Wyoming…and see, Mami…not everyone is freaking out about this plastics thing!]

This is what I love about being at site for extended periods of time – the days all begin to bleed together a bit. Did I see the crazy old man while I was running yesterday…or last week? Did I really run 4km this morning because I accidentally left Form1’s biology tests at my house and so had to run back to get them? Feels like yesterday!
Though some days do not bleed. Saturday, 30 May 2009 will not bleed into the mass of days that I have spent in Malawi. It will remain apart. My first Malawian friend, my age mate, my connection into the community when I first got here…died that day. It felt bizarre – even now – as though it didn’t really happen; especially as the funeral didn’t take place here but at the family’s original home. For the first part of this week I was beginning to think that a curse had been put on Kalumbu – a neighbor dies, the staffroom at school collapses, the headmaster’s son went missing, crazy old men freaking me out, massive construction vehicles permanently saturating the air with red dust. That last bit has been a source of amusement [at least for me]. Either because of my being an engineer or because in the states there’s always some construction going on…I would consider myself relatively used to dump trucks and diggers and rollers and then like. Yet my village is constantly pointing them out to me as though I’d respond ‘Oh, gee…that MASSIVE dump truck over there? Nope, I hadn’t even noticed that one!” Seriously?! But joking aside, so we will have a flat, though still dirt, road, free of rocks and 2ft ravines from rain flow. Biking will be much more pleasant. As soon as all the dust settles again.

5 June 2009
Finally Friday! I desperately need a weekend: external classes, weird Form1 girls that follow me home, stoned students that mouth off in class! So I decided NOT to have Girl’s Study Group and instead went home and shelled ground nuts as I listened to BBC. Then it was reading time, run, plan dinner and chat with Stella. The Swiss plan may be on the fritz for the moment; I’ve made some discoveries about insurance policies and general cost of living [plates of pasta equivalent to $20!!]. Thinking about the ‘real world’ is stressful! Thinking about finding an apartment [my house here was found for me and my landlord is my neighbor], medical insurance [though I am many many kilometers away from the nearest clinic, I can call either of our wonderful PC doctors anytime…with any strange symptoms] and just thinking about driving freaks me out! For 2 years now, the largest vehicle I’ve been in charge of has been my bicycle.

20 June 2009
And back in town and thus ends this marathon of a blog entry. Leaving work for Thursday and Friday’s classes I headed out on Wednesday after class to visit Mike and then back into Lilongwe to finish up work before going home [note: home = Kalumbu village, ja]. It was ridiculously COLD at his site…and windy and cloudy! Brrrrr! Sweaters, hats and mittens were involved on my part if that gives you an impression. And I am now intimately acquainted with the construction techniques and operation of Groundnut Shellers!

And for you, Mamili ...

The Ides of May

2009-05-12T02:49:00.002-05:00

I'm in a funk. And I don't know what to do about it. I talked with my supervisor yesterday...and by 'talk' I mean blubbered tearfully about the funk I am in while she hugged me and listened. Definition of "The Funk" -- a feeling of not wanting to go back to my village, deep seeded not wanting to go back. And it's a new feeling for me. Of course I always have feelings of trepidation when it's time to leave the city and head home to the village: I'm sad to leave people whose company I enjoy, I'm sad to leave warm showers and the oven, and I dread the 10km uphill bike ride that is required to get me to my house. But these past days it's felt different. I really don't want to go home. Thankfully Dora [my APCD...Associate Peace Corps Country Director -- we do love our acronyms] also functions as therapist. Together we figured out that my 'funk' is due to this proposal nonesense. Subconsciously I don't want to go home until I have money in my hand so that we can start this electrification of the school. And so I am still in a funk. In addition...we have a holiday on Thursday which isn't helping my motivation for getting home in a speedy manner. Damn.

April News as we head into May

2009-04-21T09:17:00.000-05:00

I have potatoes. I had potatoes would be more correct. Six tiny potatoes. Last week Chimwemwe and Isaac helped me clear out three small beds in which the beans, peanuts and beans had ‘matured’ and were ready to be, either harvested or composted. I had finished harvesting my tomatoes…probably about 50 in all. And I had used all the beans as green beans, so there were none remaining. But the potatoes had stayed hidden underground…until my students nimble fingers dug them out. So I boiled them and put some margarine and basil on them…and considered it a delicacy.

Laura visited my site last week and it was interesting to again compare our experiences. We visited each other before, although that was in the very beginning of our stay in Malawi. It was great to have her come after more than a year at site…to hear her perspective on my village, my students, neighbors, headmaster, bike taxis. I get so ingrained in Kalumbu that I find it hard to remember that different parts of Malawi are in fact – different. Imagine. Laura’s village is far more connected to her nearest city than mine, at least in terms of her students’ behaviour and fashion sense. If a girl gets pregnant, she won’t marry the father of the baby, because he’s the one that got her pregnant. In Kalumbu, the two will immediately be married…as to not have the child born out of wedlock. Just two examples.

As I left this morning, I was constantly asked IF I was coming back. Everyone thought I was going home to America…and wasn’t coming back. No, I explained – I’ve just paid rent, we transplanted tomatoes, I’m still waiting for my passion fruit vine to flower. If that thing doesn’t flower before I leave in December I may seriously consider extending my contract here! And yesterday Chimwemwe broke my heart. We were having our Wednesday afternoon Chichewa lesson and were discussing our “Get Chimwemwe into a Better Secondary School” Project that the two of us are working on…when he said that he was glad that he wasn’t selected straight out of Primary school to go away to a government secondary school because than “I would not have met you, madam.” And now I can only hope and pray I will not let him down as we fight to get him into a school with more teachers, resources, knowledge to give.

10 April 2009

Back from Dedza. Our supervisor asked for some 2nd year volunteers to lead subject discussions for the 1st years at their 3 month mark today. But thanks to lack of communication among Peace Corps staff regarding transport I actually missed my session – and had it over lunch instead. It was strange, being the ‘expert’. And refreshing to hear about their ideas and struggles…it breathed enthusiasm into the coming second term that I’ve been dreading a bit for its intensity.

Tomorrow I begin on my first camping excursion…that doesn’t consist of pitching a tent in the backyard. We head to Mzuzu tomorrow and have Saturday and Sunday to buy ‘camping food’ before we spend 3 days hiking out to the beach. Wish me luck!!!

21 April 2009
We are back in Lilongwe. Whew. Jeannine’s First Camping Experience wasn’t as tramatic as she thought it would be. Though her ass did hurt a lot more than she ever thought possible! But oddly enough I was thankful for it because it meant that my shoulders weren’t weighed down by my pack. I can thank Mike’s hiking pack intelligence for that tidbit of information. But so my hips were bearing the weight…and giving my tush a lovely workout ☺. But after the first day of hiking the walking motion was automatic and I could move together with the pack [by the time I leave Malawi, we will be ONE] up and over rocky hills and along narrow precipices, crossing questionably constructed bridges and fording deep fast moving rivers. And all along we had Lake Malawi on our left, which made for some amazing views from the tips of the bays we hiked around. We managed the hike in two days and a few extra hours. And Ruarwe was beautiful; a restful sanctuary with comfy chairs to read in and the lake to jump into from various rocks when we wanted to cool off from sunbathing. Dinner was served family style…which made the individual activities of the day seem more communal, homemade and lit by lanterns.
To get back out of our secluded oasis, we were rowed out of the bay in a dingy to the Ilala, one of the boats that ferries passengers up and down the lake. We traveled from Ruarwe to Nkhata Bay – took about four hours, and made the trip seem so much simpler than the hike in; oddly enough. And that was the end of ‘vacation’. Lilongwe is ridiculous this week due to a new group being sworn in…meaning half of Peace Corps Malawi is attempting to sleep at the house. We are escaping tomorrow morning. As early as possible, to avoid the chaos and then coming back in Friday to get office work done, pack up stuff, say goodbye to a volunteer that’s going home and celebrating the birthday of another. And then it is back to site, for the start of Term 2. Hurrah. Truly, I will be happy to have some normal structure back to life here; to be at school, to have students at my house, to chat with my neighbors that I haven’t seen in two weeks. So life moves on.

Funny story for April ☺
In Malawi there are these wonderful inventions called rubbish pits in the cities so that all the trash on the streets can be swept into these 6foot deep trenches. We like to call them Azungu Traps…as we are always wary of them as we walk along the road. Walking home from dinner last week in Mzuzu [in the dark] makes the journey a tad more precarious. And thus I found myself floating briefly in mid-air before plummeting to bottom of a very deep Azungu trap…complete with concrete box at the bottom. Thankfully the only injuries were a lovely bruise on my ass, a scraped ankle and a disoriented head for a bit. So, when in Malawi, if your wandering about in the dark [which you shouldn’t be doing anyway] keep an eye out for deep holes!

More creative Pictures

2009-04-01T04:37:00.005-05:00

So spending too much time in town has given me too much time on the computer...and thus to much time to play around with my pictures... hope you like them :)

In these days of March...

2009-03-29T05:53:00.002-05:00

I’m in town restocking on antibiotics…to make sure I have some at site in the event of another spontaneous infection. Ah, the joys of rural village life. And I have decided to stay an extra day [until Sunday] as I need a mental health day. School has been rather dramatic the past few weeks…with end of term exams, one of my favourite students being suspended for 6 weeks because the deputy head teacher was in a drunken rage, a form 1 girl fainting from epilepsy she refuses to have treated because she is a member of the Zion Church…and they don’t believe in modern medicine, and lastly, a form 4 student was beat about the head by a from 1 student wielding 2 bricks. Blood is always a poignant reminder of the precarious nature of first aid in this world I live in…I had to have him wipe his own face because I had no gloves and several open cuts and wounds on my hands. And I really didn’t want to have to take the PEP [Post Exposure Prophylactic]…the side effects are horrendous. And so life moves along here.

I have lived my way into Kalumbu village: the neighborhood kids no longer find me amusing – and hang out but not just to stare at me or hassle me for stuff; there are two adorable little girls that demurely greet me as I walk to market which then somehow makes the drunken men that assault me later more bearable; Stella, Isaac and Chimwemwe [students whose school fees I’m paying] are at my house nearly every day – to chat, or get water, or fix the fence, or build drying racks together or bring me greetings from their various relations; my neighbors are already panicking about my eminent departure in December [“Koma, tamakusolowerani panopa, madam! Mwina munthu kuti adzabwera kunoku…mwina munthu adzakhala umunthu sabwino! Mwina sadzalankula Chichewa!” – But Madam, we are used to YOU now! Maybe this new one that will come, maybe they will not be a good person. Maybe they will not speak Chichewa!]. For a people that rarely think far ahead in the future, this has certainly captured their attention. So, I am working on them – encouraging them by ensuring them that the next volunteer will also speak Chichewa and be friendly and will chat with them and will help the students. And I have come to understand that time is not my own: that visitors will always show up on the afternoon that I have an insane migraine, that it will always rain ten minutes after I hang my laundry and that I will always be 2 hours early to meetings - even if by my watch I am 20 minutes late. I have learnt patience.

We are closing term1 soon…which means holiday! Yahoo! We are spending time hiking and at the beach…a quiet reprieve. But I am so very happy here, in my life here. Though it does come in waves, I feel truly at home here. I feel safe and protected and loved by my neighbors. I feel valued by my fellow teachers. I feel respected and appreciated by my students [most of the time…]. I have a splendid garden with passion fruit vines spreading, mango tree seedlings sprouting, pumpkins, squash, tomatoes and maize ready to harvest as the rains begin to come to end and the cold season moves in.

Creative photos as of late...

2009-03-28T02:35:00.008-05:00

I had some time in Lilongwe...and there wasn't a line for the computer...so here are some of my latest pictures, creatively spread :)

And more thoughts from February....

2009-02-12T05:21:00.002-05:00

7 February 2009

All those I know who consider nicotine one of their vices...today I aided in furthering your habit by helping my neighbors sew up their tobacco leaves. Four leaves back to back, poked through and tied together with grass then hung to dry. As this is the rainy season and the leaves can't dry directly in the sun, sheds of bamboo, grass and thin plastic tarp are constructed. So, for two hours, this afternoon we sat under drying leaves, out of the glare of the sun, shooing chickens, sorting yellow from green [as yellow will dry faster]. At one point in our conversation one of the family...my Form1 bioligy student...made a connection between sorting tobacco and relationships in biology. May have been one of the better moments of my day.
Another was on my way home from the market...walking precariously through a herd of grass munching cattle [why do I always feel like one is going to charge at me?]. What is it about Malawians that they think I can't hear them when they talk about me? Walking behind me was a group of women....only one of whom lived in Kalumbu. As I greeted a man walking by - this is what I heard behind me:
"Oooo...amati 'Mwaswera'?"
"Eya...amadziwa Chichewa."
"Amakhoza Chichewa?"
"Eti...emalunkula bwino bwino. Amakhala pa Land...amasesa, amatunga madzi, amaphika pa moto...."
"Amatunga madzi?????"
"Eya!"

OR:

"WHAT!?!?!She knows how to say 'how are you'?"
"Yeah, she knows Chichewa!"
"She knows how to speak Chichewa?!?!?!?!"
"Of course, she speaks well. She lives at the EPA...and sweeps, gets water, cooks on fire..."
"She gets water?!"
"Yes!"

And of course I can hear all this and am trying not to laugh! And in other good news, my compost is actually doing its job -- making SOIL!!!!

10 February 2009

I've always had this habit of writing lists [remember all my papers and postits Hopee!?]. I wrote to do lists and grocery lists and packing lists. But now they've expanded...it's how I spend my time at school when I'm waiting for teachers or students to show up. I've written lists about Places I want to Go, Things About Kalumbu, Things to Do in Swizterland If I Lived There....Clothes I Would Get If I Were Back in a Developed Country. Germany with Rebecca didn't help my clothes/shoes fetish :) So many nice - yet immpractical for Malawi - clothes. And I am missing witner coats and sleek jeans tucked into boots, and hats and mittens and scarves :(
Soemthing to make you all smile: As part of my daily exercise routine I've been shakin' it to my iPod every night...in my slip! I don't know how it started. Slips in Malawi are worn even on the hottest days under already OPAGUE skirts...I will never understand. But for my more questionable skirts I own a long black slip and that is my dancing costume. It's funny becuase -- after I got back to Malawi my Grandmother passed away...and one of my most vivid memories of my Grandmother is how she would walk around, our house in the states or her apartment in Switzerland, with a normal shirt, beige stockings and a knee length black slip. I don't remember he dancing...but I consider my evening ritual a tribute to her :)
It's strange to think that my life here all started back in Uganda trying to figure out a way to combine development with engineering. And then the crazy process it took to actually get here! I had to become a citizen...for which I spent many cellphone minutes chatting up the Department of Homeland Security and Immigration Services -- which apparently are incapable of communicating directly with each other...or the FBI, in the small matter of fingerprint sharing! Then there was becoming an official American, going to Philly and then training in Malawi! That all seems so long ago and so very far away. Will I ever fit back into that life I left in Houston? Or should I try it somewhere else? I don't know if I could live the way I do right now..without being married or having a family...so that I would have that internal support structure that feels so distant right now. Rebecca has commanded that I be home for Christmas...so I will be...but after that I may be packing my bags again! But where? Doing what? I have ideas but those will be my little secret for now :) Happy guessing!

A time in February...

2009-02-11T09:03:00.002-05:00

30 January 2009

When I post this it will already be February. Which means the count down has started in a way [10 months]; my neighbros are already stressing out about the potential 'replacement' volunteer and the teachers at school are freaking out about what they'll do without a maths teacher. And everyone is worried that I'll forget them...not realizing how impossible that will be. They are my life here.
But as I write this I am huddled back in my house...had been lesson planning on my front porch watching the drizzle, but the drizzle has become a full on down pour making the porch a bit wet for my taste. Not that inside is much drier - for two reasons: my roof is up to 8 leaks now and I took the risk of doing my laundry this morning and of course 30 minutes after getting it all hung, the rain started. So all those wet clothes are hanging in various parts of the house...and might be dry in a week.
The rainy season is lonely for me. Last year I would have been thrilled with all this rain because it equals alone time. Now I'm just lonely. So it makes kids, neighbors, students visiting all the more welcome. I feel as though something has clicked in me...as though some sort of fog has finally lifted; one I've been under for the last 23 years. I feel free and happy in a way that I never have before. I am less stress about my life [though I should be freaking out with the amount I am teaching]. I am more open with my life, lest bent on controlling how my day moves, I'm less afraid of messing up...or letting people see that I'm making mistakes. I truly don't know what brought about this change but I am joyfully content with my life right now. Does that make any sense?
The most wonderful thing happened yesterday. One of my Form4 students, bit of a smart-ass really, came to my house with a boy I didn't recognize and handed me my graphing calculator...that I had last seen when I left school the day before, sitting iside my desk in the "staff room" [aka leaky closet being digested by very determined termites!]. I took it from him and sure enough there was the 'J.Keller' that my father had engraved on the back when he bought it for my senior calculus class in highschool. I looked at my student in confusion and so he explained taht this boy, his friend, had shown him his 'new' calculator that he had bought off of some little kids for 100mK. My student had seen 'Keller' and gathered that there weren't too many of those wandering around Kalumbu! I thanked them both purfusely and paid the boy his money back...amused that a graphing calculator was sold for less than 60cents.
In other good news my garden is beautiful! And i have grass...I convinced Chimwemwe to NOT pull it all up so that he could sweep properly...that snakes would not move in. I have plenty of pumpkin flowers [that I made soup out of], peanuts, soya beans, maize, basil and dill. The buld flowers we planted last year are now taller that me! And attract this adorable little hummingbird every morning.

5 February 2009

Termites flew today, littering the mud with thier glittering wings and filling the road with children gathering them up for dinner. Cows served as grass trimmers as they ate their way along the road. And the sun shone in blazing glory after an afternoon rain. Life is ever changing here: we have tea in our staff room now, which means that teachers are even later to class. Hambe, my 10 year old neighber, has gone to live with her sister, changing forever the child level heirarchy in the neighborhood. I have a squash growing...and it looks healthy. The tomato man gives me a prizey and sometimes a woman walks by my house yelling "MATI, MATI, MATI" and so I get my tomatoes even cheaper! I have fallen in love with tea again and am learning to like running. The goats are tethered now to prevent them from eating peoples' crops, so they no longer fatten themselves in my garden. And so the days go by....

Time in Munich

2008-12-28T11:31:00.002-05:00

Rebecca and I arrived in Munich with only minor public transport difficulties - we are now experts :) Actually we just walk everywhere. Yesterday we did our shopping [which is fun when you have 8 layers on and want to head to changing rooms]. The motivation to buy anything that involved boot or trouser removal decreases significantly.

Today, being Sunday, nothing was open [save coffee shops which we made good use of]. So we did sightseeing a bit. We hiked up to the top of St. Peter's Church tower, 306 steps in all, and because the sun was actually poking out today the view was lovely. Of course before we found the right church we nearly disrupted 2 other church services. Whoops. Then we attempted to find the palace but found the Munich Stadts Museum instead and Rebecca humoured me for a bit [plus it was free today!]. Then it was off to coffee and an attempt to find a tattoo studio -- but EVERYTHING is closed. So now we are on the hunt for one tomorrow morning. Uhg.

Things I found suprising here:
- Women wear GOBS of makeup -- more than I think was 'normal' in the states before I left.
- People all walk the same speed I do :)
- The amount of stuff you can buy is insane
- People in stores are remarkably unfriendly given the fact that I am spending money to give them...they could at least crack a smile.

Things I will miss:
- Thick toilet paper
- Really good coffee
- Racclette
- Hazelnut joghurt

A few more pics...

2008-12-26T20:18:00.006-05:00

I know they're small...but I'm slowly working on updating my pictures with the amazingly speedy internet my sister has. Gosh, I will miss that as I write letters while I wait for sites to load in the office in Lilongwe :P

So, for more pictures:

Switzerland and Germany Christmas Trip
CampSky 2008

Dear me...

2008-12-14T04:43:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to show you this...and I think I might be trying to make them in Germany next week!

How amazing do they look!!!

Oh, to be home

2008-12-12T03:38:00.002-05:00

It took a fwe days to get back settled in Kalumbu after 3weeks away; there were numerous factours not aiding my resettlement: this feeling of detatchment as I'm leaving again in less than two days and the fact that it's the start of the rainy season and this was when I first got to site a year ago and my house feels so desolate and all of my feelings of lonliness from the previous year resurfaced. Ah, nostalgia. But then I saw how clearly I AM NOT in that same place. This is my life here, it's mine and I fit. I know exactly how long it takes my water to boil [both on open fire and charcoal], I can make ridges with a hoe and not get blisters anymore [well, at least not ginormous ones], I can haul 50L of water, I have a compost that's doing it's job, I have a REAL garden [as in it's actually growing], I know where to find bricks and how to get them to my house, I know which of the two tailors will cheat me and which baker has the better scones. I know the mango lady will always give me a prizey mango and I have perfected the 'get the fuck out of my yard' whistle that the chickens here understand. I have also come to love and appreciate my neighbors immeasurably [and naturally I show my love in baked goods :)]. I used to be rather terrified of them.
And I think they may like me a little bit too. As I came back last week I was met by a neighbor as I was still a little ways off and he informed me that 'chinali chimphepho! Mpanda inagwa, denga pa chimbudzi ujoka!'...or...'We had a HUGE wind and your fence collapsed and the roof on your pit latrine blew away!'. By this time we had gotten to where I could almost see my house and I'm having visions of utter devestation...but no, everything is pristine -- my fence is upright and strong and the roof is sturdily in place, albeit with a couple more heavy boulders sitting on top. I looked at my neighbor questioningly and he bashfully ducked his head as he told me they had set the roof right and his younger brother [my former F4 student] was almost finished repairing the fence. Actions speak far louder than words...anyone?
So, the past week has been strange -- being in the village but not teaching or prepping for teaching or stressing out about teaching! I could just weed and replant my garden [no small feat]. Thankfully another neighbor made me a few ridges adjacent to his field so I have planted soya beans and then most wonderful zama. For zama, imaging a peanut plus bean all in one fabulous legume! I've planted more dill, basil and chive; broccoli, onions, lettuce, watermelon, yellow corn, squash, tomatoes and ground nuts. Oh, and pumpkins. I'm excited to get back in January!
I've been walking and biking around and chatting with those I haven't seen in a while. I rode to my BOMA [the nearest trading center] to see my headmaster's family; one morning I inadvertantly rode my bike right into a student's village, so that couldn't be helped. I've met with my new Chichewa 'tutor' [aka Chimwemwe, F2 student] to work on my presntly stagnant language, worked on letters, christmas suprises, a windchime, general cleaning and organizing, baking brownies for the neighbors and then delivering them :) And I was home.

Random Kalumbu Occurances:
1. I found a tarantula living under my firewood pile and a black momba in my bean field.
2. A woman I've never seen at the borehole before was repimanded by one of the regulars for not believing that I was capable of getting my bucket home. Pretty sure she watched me until I crested the hill!
3. Children standing open-mouthed as I ran by on my early morning jog in....oh, goodness...TROUSERS!
4. Learning how to use the gears on my bicycle properly!

A few pics to make you happy...

2008-12-01T04:57:00.004-05:00

End of CampSky...into Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T06:13:00.000-05:00

23 November 2008

And CampSky is officially finished – all the kids and volunteers left Zomba yesterday, heading back to their respective parts of the country. Well, at least the kids – all the volunteers spent the afternoon at the ambassador’s cottage up on the plateau and then drove to Blantyre. It was possibly one of the more interesting matola rides I’ve been on…sitting on the back of a flat bed truck for two hours perched precariously on various bits of luggage, stopping for plums and jackfruit along the way.

Some favourites from Camp:
- One of the volunteers was teaching English and had the kids write similes about their other camp teachers; here are some of mine:
Madame Keller is as intelligent as a boy. [wasn’t sure how to take that one..?]
Madame Keller is as bright as a sunflower.
Madame Keller is as shiny as the sun.
Madame Keller is as kind as a horse. [also this one…are horses kind?]
- In class I randomly taught the kids that in the States we say ‘Bless You’ when someone sneezes – and later that day when I was tutoring one of them in maths and I sneezed, she said ‘Madame, Bless you’, which I thought was really cute.
- The students chanting ‘Madame Keller! Dah, ta, ta, ta, ta! Coming from America!’ as they walked to my class.
- Having a disco on the last day of camp and having a blast dancing with the kids J!

I decided today that I would spend an extra day here in Blantyre because the house is just so calm and I know that the house in Lilongwe will crowded full of people drinking and letting off steam until thanksgiving on Thursday. Today we went to the ‘bend over boutique’ [used clothes market] and I found the most amazing jeans and linen pants…and I have a travel outfit for Germany J. Hurrah for warm trousers. And then got my hair cut after I cut two other volunteers’ hair.

26 November 2008

I just finished my end of term report for the Peace Corps office and it forced me to think about what I’ve been doing at my site this past year now. And to be honest I had to admit to myself that outside of a pretty hefty teaching load I haven’t done much [in terms of any secondary projects]. Instead I have spent the year learning a new language, understanding my community and the people that make it up, I’ve learned more about myself and my leadership ability and I now have a starting place for any secondary project we want to start. One is already in the works; that is the electricity project…and I suppose the calculator loaning program. As I am here in Lilongwe [having some distance from my village] I am hopeful that I can start a fine arts club at school [to teach paper making, jewelry, painting, drawing and such] as well as a girls study group to encourage the female students in their studies AND to encourage them to encourage EACHOTHER! So I suppose I could call those my New Year’s Resolutions.

As this year starts to come to close [or at least my first year in Malawi] I find myself far more at peace with who I am [still not with my body…but at least I am at peace with who I am in spirit and heart]. My skin is gloriously clear [probably connected to the whole ‘at peace’ thing!] and I find that I am far more capable than I ever thought possible. If anyone had told me a year ago that I would be fearless as I stood in front of a hundred people to give a lesson or instructions, I would have laughed in their face. But here I am. I find myself able to lead in a way I was far too timid for in the past, and to my surprise people actually listen and respect what I have to say.

I am interested to see my family in Switzerland to see if they have a different perspective on how I have changed…even Rebecca; I have changed even in the three months since she visited me here. I am not at all ready to leave Malawi and head to the States at this point but I am excited to see how my life will be different when I get back, how I will be different, how I will handle situations in new ways, will I be perceived differently than before? We shall see I suppose.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and all volunteers are invited to the Ambassadors house for an expat celebration…on the pretense that we bring a side dish or dessert to share. So that’s the program for today…baking and cooking for that. The transit house in Lilongwe is ridiculously full and there are people everywhere. But at the same time it’s wonderful to see everyone again – before everyone starts to meander off for their close of service [COS] or for Christmas holiday. And we will all be together again in January of 2009.

For Chris and Stephanie

2008-11-18T05:08:00.002-05:00

Hey you two :) So, I am writing this response here...becuase I couldn't respond to your comment and didn't have your email address. I'd love to answer any questions you have; just be prepared for a slight delay in response :) I'm excited to hear that you are going to do Peace Corps -- being the only one at Calvin when we graduated was a bit disheartening...but I'm looking forward to hearing your story! Send me an email anytime...the address is on the right hand side of the blog! Hope to hear from you soon!

November in Malawi

2008-11-15T03:17:00.000-05:00

1 November 2008

So, I’ve been a bit behind in these updates…my journal is in the same state of neglect. The past weeks have been characteristically rollercoaster-ish – but more extreme than usual.

I guess, in short, I’ve been feeling like a shitty volunteer. So I became a bit of a hermit – I isolated myself; from my neighbors, my fellow teachers, my students and the kids around my house. But as is the case with these things – that just made me feel worse. Part of it, I think, is Peace Corps pressure on us to have what they call ‘secondary projects’. And I haven’t started any outside of teaching. I teach math and biology at the secondary school which amounts to about 25 periods a week…and then twice a week I teach math and biology to teachers and community members that want to rewrite their exams in an attempt to move up in their career. And of course there is the toil of everyday life: fetching water, doing laundry, cooking…and so on. But I don’t have a knitting group, or school clubs, or peanut butter project. I haven’t dug any wells or built any bridges. The closest I’ve come to the elusive ‘secondary project’ has been this electricity endeavor. So, I’ve just been feeling useless and purposeless these past few weeks – and holing up in my house wasn’t helping.

Then this thing with the school committee constitution happened. The grant proposal I’m working on requires that I explain how the school committee constitution will ensure that its oversight is thorough. But the man that apparently was in possession of the paper lived in another village. So Madame Keller climbed on her bicycle in order to retrieve it. The first day she was foiled because Mr. Chimtunga was in the field. So, she mounted her bike a second day…managing to get caught in the seasons first rain along the way. Getting there was hilarious…I was welcomed by Mr. Chimtunga and his wife and then proceeded to meet his entire family. I meet sisters, aunts, grandchildren, ancient parents and grandparents…and they gave me nkwani [bean leaves] and 4 guinea fowl eggs since I couldn’t eat dinner with them. The best part was, when he left to go bathe [I will never understand the Malawian idea of bathing before ‘escorting’ someone on bike], and I was left with fifteen of his various female relatives and their children and we were just chatting. They thought it was the greatest thing that I found their house at all [miracle of miracles it seems that I can ask for and interpret directions]. That was good for my soul and reaffirmed my faith in my Chichewa speaking ability [which has been lacking recently]. I think it’s that the more I learn the more afraid I am of making mistakes…whereas at first I didn’t even realize that I was making mistakes, now I notice them all the time and that makes me self conscious about it. But these encounters [like getting held hostage by a Malawian family to chat for three hours] have gotten me back out of my house…so I am hopeful!

In other good news, I’ve learned how to use the schools ancient duplicating machine…and am now permanently stained black up to my elbows thanks to the rather inky process. But now, if ever our finicky copy machines in the states decide to revolt, there will be at least one American capable of making copies without electricity. See, I am learning practical skills here!

15 November 2008

As we’re doing CampSky I’m oddly reminded of SHARE, the Salvation Army summer day camp I worked at during high school and college. Of course the kids are completely different, the setting is entirely different and the things we are teaching are far beyond SHARE, but the meetings, student issues, activities, volunteer interactions – are all reminiscent. And it’s been going wonderfully well – the first day was remarkably smooth – considering it was our first day, the American Ambassador decided it would be an ideal day to visit AND the new teaching volunteer trainees came to observe how we work. So, we had 98 kids, 25 extra volunteers, and a public official…and it all went off without a hitch. Of course, the nsima was a bit runny, we were low on greens and there were room complications with some of the mosquito nets…but I had expected far worse.

Teaching here has been glorious! To have a class of 20 students [when I’m used to having anywhere from 45 to 90] is such a lovely change. I already know all the students names [after 2 days] and can actually address individual student confusion in class as we work through problems. And on top of only having few students, those students are the brightest in all of their respective schools, which makes teaching them far more enjoyable. It’s also great to see the kids get excited about their elective classes. We decided to do a ‘track’ program for the camp this year. Each student is in a track; either business, health sciences, fine arts or environment and each of those tracks has specific elective classes. For example health has parasitology, natural medicine, nutrition, and life skills; environment has wildlife, composting, kitchen gardens, papermaking; business has economics, computer classes and they run a small tuck shop where students and volunteers can buy biscuits, fruit, sodas; and the fine art kids get creative writing, knitting, jewelry making, and ballroom dancing. I taught a papermaking class to the environment kids earlier this week and we had a blast. Part of the class we split them in two: one group went o a ‘nature walk’ to find fibres, leaves and flowers for their paper and the other group stayed inside to learn some origami – which was so fun! The hardest part was getting the kids to actually fold the paper ON the desk for clean creases…they’re so used to not having desks that they tried to fold their butterflies in the air. I have the fine arts kids for math class everyday and in class yesterday I was thrilled to see students become leaders, explaining a difficult assignment to their fellow students, IN ENGLISH! I felt proud watching them grow so confident in their math skills.

So that’s what I’m up to for the next week. We have one more week of CampSky…and today all the kids are at Liwonde National Park looking at animals for today…so we volunteers that didn’t have room on the bus get a day off. I’m heading into town [to post this] and buy some fruit and then heading up the Zomba Plateau to do some hiking. I hope that ya’ll are well and hope to hear some news from you soon!

Busy, Busy, Busy...

2008-10-19T06:22:00.001-05:00

And back in Lilongwe for another full, full, full weekend! And will be back again in two weeks…for Halloween and finishing proposals and summer school planning stuff.

The past weeks have been strangely stressful – and yet I am the happiest and most at peace I have been thus far in my time here. One of the worst/best days was last week on Tuesday. I arrived at school early to discuss with the only other teacher that is here with me for the next two weeks about how we wanted to run classes. Getting there the proctors for the form4 governmental exams [MSCE] were planning for the day and they realized that they were missing some crucial papers. So…naturally the other teacher volunteered to ride his bike to the nearest city to get them. And thus Madame Keller was left in charge of the entire school one her own for the day. To be honest it went remarkably well. One of those forced leadership situations. The kids were relatively well behaved and I taught until almost noon. But after that I was exhausted. But I got to use my new chalkboards. The form4 students came over in the afternoon to go over math stuff before they wrote their exam the following day.

Yesterday we had a really great event for CampSky. We created a restaurant at the country director's house and served a lovely dinner to expats in the community. Dinner was amazing…cooked by amazing cooks, there were raffles and scholarships and a bar and a dessert table. It was glorious…exhausting, but we raised over a thousand dollars and had a great time too. The only stress factor being that our main table lighting were candles…and gales of wind blew around all day. So me nervous about people being able to see their food stressed me out a tad.

For those that like pictures, I’ve uploaded new ones to the gmail photo album – only a few but you can have a looksie. I hope that everything is well in your part of the world and I am thinking of you!

Rhythms

2008-09-26T06:06:00.002-05:00

Rhythms. They are always in life. And they are always changing. A bit counterintuitive really. But, so life is here.

Teaching has become a rhythm. The days when I was continually terrified, writing every word I would utter in class for fear that I would panic, those days are gone. Me as teacher has become an extension of my ordinary self. And that creates a rhythm. A changeable one. As my relationships with students change [more intimate, more distant, being pissed at them, they being confused] so does the rhythm teaching has become.

Me as ‘Malawian Neighbor’ – for the most part – is no longer conscious work; I just am. The kids come to chat or borrow a soccer ball, I go to have my neighbor braid my hair, my neighbors comes to chat or bring peanuts or have his phone battery charged, I go to help plant maize or apple fertilizer or put in hair curlers. And so we have a rhythm. But – ever changing. One neighbor has gotten married – giving me a new person next door. That’s on the right side of my house. On the other side a family has moved and a new family has moved in. If the community was so helpful in the States the entire moving industry would cease to exist. Nevertheless – new neighbors cause changes in rhythm: negatively – I have lost two adorable children that are not afraid of my ‘azungu’ face. I have lost a woman who’s laugh is contagious. Positively – I have a lovely new family to learn to love. The matriarch is jovial, the father a stoic ‘let-the-works-of-my-heads-speak’ type. Both have been warm and welcoming and most wonderfully not at all fazed by my obvious foreignness. Their oldest daughter is also a baby of 1985 and is remarkably NOT married! She has decided we are going to be friends. A good thing – because the neighbors are plotting to marry us off to suitable Malawian men. So ya’ll can await invitations to a grand wedding, complete with nsima and thobwa.

So, life’s rhythms are constantly in change. Time and events pass leaving new ones to look forward to in their place. In September I will have the joy of welcoming 22 new education volunteers. In November I have summer school to look forward to and in December I have a ticket to Germany to visit the little sis as she works as an au pair. Her first, my second, Christmas away from home – should be good for both of us. And I, for a few short weeks, will no longer be a minority. January will bring with it a new year…and also a new rhythm.

And thus are the rhythms of life here. What are the rhythms of your life? Today? What will they be tomorrow? I’d love to know…and see how they swing in tandem with mine!

For those with woeful attention spans I present the cliff notes version:
*I’m sad over lost neighbors, happy to love my new ones.
*Trying not to kill my tree seedlings as I plant and transplant.
*For those in Switzerland: I have made a Knoepfli plate and make them at least once a week!
*I introduced Mrs. Bones [ie, hand drawn skeleton] to my bio class only to start an argument about whether Mr. Bones and Mrs. Bones would be different [How many ribs would each one have, Madame?]
*I am running. Granted it is in place, inside my house. But still – I AM running!

Exam Woes

2008-07-17T09:44:00.002-05:00

3 July 2008

I've concluded that exams are by far the most infuriating time at Kalumbu CDSS. Students are not being taught as they wait hours for their exams to begin. I was told by my form three students that my classes were the only ones they have had all week. This happened last term too and it's unbelievably frustrating to see students punished for lateness when their teachers don't even fucking go to class! Sorry -- but all last week I just wanted to scream in the staff room...but realized that it probably wouldn't have the desired effect.

In more uplifting news...I am getting braver :) Last Wednesday I went to the big market twice. I hate the Wednesday market, but I am getting less intimidated by the whole affair. Somehow the huge market in town is more manageable. Maybe because it's not mine. But I bought myself a pair of shoes. Brand new. And then I just sat and looked at them for a while. But humorous moment at the market: I was looking for a tin bucket [because I can now carry almost 50L of water on my head] so I stopped and asked about price. The man quoted and I got him down to more reasonable figure but then had to admit that I really didn't have enough with me and would buy it next week. He agreed - but only if he could move in with me. It took me a second to decipher his Chichewa idiom, but then I clarified that I was really only interested in the bucket -- not a man.

My electricity project is on hold...mainly because the transformer keeps exploding and sending some small business stall up in flames. Puts a bit of a damper on the whole thing. And it's making me rethink the solar option.

As I write this [on paper to be typed in town at the computer next week] I am proctoring the Chichewa Composition Exam. Whoever made the proctoring schedule is having a laugh I'm sure :)

And we are in the chilly, windy, dusty season...

2008-06-20T03:22:00.006-05:00

So far this second term has been a flurry - and has flown by - both a good thing [in terms of lonliness] and horrible [in terms of the material covered in class!]. Just two weeks ago I was in town to work on summer school stuff and now I am back to do more prep work for CampSky and to meet with GAD to plan our IronChef fundraiser.

Last weekend I took a break. I worked in my garden, played with the neighbors, walked probably 4k hauling water [becuase boreholes keep breaking down in this dusty dry season] and planned for classes. I even skipped church on Sunday - so even sunday was all mine.
The past few weeks have each escalated my sense of frustration and has encouraged me to be on the timetable committee next year to assure that I never have a first period. Classes are supposed to start at 7:30a but the headteacher never arrives on time...usually around 8ish and then if we have assembly [or chair distribution problems] students aren't IN class until 8:15 -- 5 minutes into second period. So I am fuming before the day has even started and am forced to shift my classes around and haggle other teachers to reclaim my lost time. A late start and increasingly lazy teachers is starting to wear me down becuase I ultimately feel responsible to pick up the slack. And now I've started teaching math to teachers at the primary school. So, thats that.

But other things are going increasingly well. As of Tuesay the netball team finally has uniforms, a contractor has come to look at the school about electricity, and my neighbors are feeling like family. I still hate market days [being berated by drunk men is never appealing.]. But more and more I feel like I fit here. Helping that feeling has been visiting students' families. Last week I visited a form4 chaps home village...and hour or so walk, to Dembo village. He's one of my most articulate students, so the walk was never quiet. Both of us were firing questions back and forth - he about life in America - me about his family, random chichewa words, and farming practices I didn't understand yet. We ended up staying at his mother's house too long, shucking maize and it had gotten dark, so he had to escort me home...along with a backpack full of groundnuts, maize and beans. Does anyone want beans? I have a 2year supply for a family of seven accumulating in my kitchen [that's what happens when you blythly mention you like something]. I'll send you all a handful.

So life continues in Malawi. I am trying my hand at permaculture and spent the weekend making new garden beds and then wandering around picking up chicken, goat and cattle droppings to increase my sandy soil's nitrogen content. In two weeks the students will beign writing their terminal tests and I am feeling overwhelmingly terrified by the amount of material I haven't been able to cover. And their impending NATIONAL EXAMS in October and November. I already know I need to start guarding my heart in preparation for those students that will fail. But I can't bring myself to do it...so I will shattered when results come out in December; having to put myself together again enough to do the whole thing over again in January.

THOUGHTS
*Not having running water in the village is FAR better than not having running water in the city.
*A form 2 student came to school in brand new All-Star sneakers.
*I had a goat in my house becuase I forgot to close the door when I went to get water. I can't decide if that's better or worse than in my garden eating my lettuce...
*Just finished Three Cups of Tea...if you have a chance please read it.

Solar Troubles

2008-05-30T05:04:00.001-05:00

Sunday was one of those days. Everything seemed to be going wrong, and yet – it was okay. I had planned to meet with the wife of one of my fellow teachers. She wanted me to see her church [last week I went to a friend’s church and now EVERYONE is upset that I haven’t been to theirs]. Getting to her house in the morning though she didn’t seem to be there. Neither was the teacher. Mmmm. It took 20 minutes for their children to tell me that they had actually left yesterday to visit a sick patient ‘kwanu’ (at their original home). But I went to church anyway – with one of the students staying with them. We walked about 5k to a United Methodist Church that was in the middle of nowhere … just behind a little hill. Gorgeous. But it turned out there was a funeral so only a few people showed up, making it more of a bible study than a church service. They’re making me come back next week for the real thing.

I am in town at the moment for our midterm holiday –- which happened a bit spontaneously and with a complete disregard to my requested time off; which means that I will have to miss 3 days of class next week … which I am bummed about and my students will be disappointed about as well. But I am working on teaching materials for them while I’m in Lilongwe this week … so I hope that redeems me. I am also trying to figure out how to get my school to obtain electricity. I ran around to various suppliers’ offices yesterday in an attempt to determine cost and feasibility –- and then determine which grant proposal I should start writing. It seems like it would be simple enough. There is some paperwork to fill out and then when I am in town again next week I can get a list of reliable contractors for the wiring of the school. But then, do I want the school reliable on the often-corrupt corporate giants? Would it be sustainable? The grant proposal would at best cover the initial hook into the power grid and the wiring of the school buildings, but monthly payments wouldn’t fall under grant provisions. Even with powering cell phones or showing films, the sustainability question is plaguing me. So then I started to think about solar power –- which, although more expensive to install and more complicated to operate and explain would outlast my two years here and actually serve as an income generating possibility for the school. But it’s more time intensive and won’t benefit the students as quickly. I have all the forms from the electrical supplier, so I need to talk to the school –- teachers and the committee –- to see what they think we should do.

Yesterday I made the mistake of looking at food-porn and now all I want to do is bake something amazing.

Knowledge Leaving

2008-05-09T05:48:00.003-05:00

One of my students said the most eloquent thing the other day. We were chatting about how he wants to be a doctor and how he struggles in math and he said 'Madame, we understand when you are teaching. But when you go out it is as though you take all the knowledge with you.' How do I leave the knowledge in there when I leave? Any ideas?

It has been another full week:
* My headmaster wore tinted glasses ALL day on Monday
* My top form4 student wore a pinstriped suit on Wednesday
* I rode on the back of my students bicycle for a half hour as he 'escorted' me to the main road
* I played Netball and learned that I dislike the sport even more than I previously thought
* I learned that I give off a pheramone that attracts drunk men...of ALL ages
* I learned that chickens will eat anything...especially almost ripe tomatoes.

I am in town for the weekend [9May-11May] for an HIV/AIDS training. TTFN

Students in Monocrome

2008-05-02T02:24:00.004-05:00

Students over for an afternoon iPod session :)

Getting them to smile was a challenge...

Tortillas at my house for lunch were much enjoyed.

For more pics: [http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2051457&l=ce645&id=15300688]

Pumpkins, Pumpkins...and 4 pounds of Beans

2008-05-02T01:55:00.002-05:00

27 April 2008 - Sunday
I woke up this morning to a chilly morning -- made coffee and read in bed for a while. Everyone has started harvesting their maize so I figured that church would most likely start late...so I dawdled before heading over to my neighbors. They dawdled too, we sat and ate pumpkin while the kids bathed and then headed off to church. And we were still early -- the service is supposed to start at 9:30...didn't get going until probably 11. Pretty typical. That said -- we didn't finish until close to 1pm. Getting home I had a form2 student on my back stoop...picking me up for lunch at her house - whoops. As we walked to her house [a good hour and half away] I remembered that I had promised an extra math lesson at school -- and I definetely wouldn't be back in time for that, so I snatched the first man on a bicycle I saw and asked if he was headed to Kalumbu, if he knew Jam Mwale? Yes! Could he please tell him that I wouldn't be back into time for our study session? [Mumadziwa JamMwale? Mungathe kuwuza kuti sindidzatha kupanga masamu pa madzulo! Ndatorkoza!]. Lunch [well, linner] was great with nsima, eggs and greens -- and hanging out with my student's little sister who's seven and the most enchanting little girl I've met in a long time. As I prepared to leave I heard an awful lot of rustling in the kitchen. That should have been my warning sign :) I was given no less than 7 pumpkins and a huge bag of white beans! As I started home, with the beans in my knapsack and the pumpkins on my head I was rescued by a friend on his way home ON HIS BICYCLE! He let me hop on and was able to get me home before it was completely dark...and with out a migraine. Pumpkins are a lot harder to carry than buckets of water. Lesson learned.

The Cold Season Approaches

2008-05-01T03:46:00.002-05:00

11 April, 2008
My head is spinning with information and ideas at the moment. My training group [the 25 that I came into country with last September] just finished our IST [in-service training] after our first three months at our sites and teaching. We spent a lot of time talking about potential secondary projects and how to go about finding available funding – and all the associated grant and proposal writing that comes with that. I have a renewed sense of wanting to investigate my community. I have visions of school lunch programs, bee keeping, new boreholes. But all of those visions are mine and not my community’s – and that’s where is needs to start; with my students, with my counterparts, with my neighbors.
We’ve also started planning for summer school; which happens for two weeks after term three ends in November. Each education volunteer chooses their best 2 form3 students to send to the 2 week long camp. This year it is our groups turn to lead and organize so we started planning and are still naively enthusiastic. We’ve come up with a neat class structure for the camp: the first week will be focused on the exam-able subjects and students will choose their electives. After that first week we will have ‘career counseling’ and talk to the students about this career goals, while realistically looking at their strengths. Then the second week will be more ‘track’ focused in specific career tracks with related field trips and practicums. At the moment we are still focused on preliminary work – what site we want, enrollment applications, fundraising; but it’s been exciting to start this project.

17 April 2008 – Thursday
Not even a week back at school and it’s already crazy. This was the third morning in a row that I have met with for from4 at 6am for extra math lessons [we’re meeting again tomorrow]. But it’s paying off in that we are making amazing progress. Even the stragglers seem to be following [which with quadratics is saying a lot]. My first period of the day was form1 math. They don’t fit in their classroom so groups inside is impossible, while groups outside, I found, is MASS CHAOS! But only until I started shouting instructions in Chichewa…then it went ‘smoother’. I literally ran to math in from3 and then finally had a short break before going back in to teach biology. The whole time during break I had students coming in asking about their homework assignment, I met a new student and was amazed to learn that one of my students has been cycling 25k to school each morning…but now is self-boarding within the catchment area. I’m paying a second student’s school fees – I almost thought he wasn’t coming back. Turns out he had gone over the border to Mozambique [on his own] to work for three weeks and only make 800mk [roughly $5]. School fees at 1400mk for this term. He can’t be more than 15yrs old.
After tallying up exam numbers for the head teacher, I headed home running into a student along the way that informed me that he would miss class tomorrow. He needed to buy boarding supplies – which I suppose is code for buckets and a backpack. This new attendance policy of mine is working well. Now I know WHY my students are gone. I know that Jam had to go to his grandfather’s funeral, that Danwell is working fulltime at the clinic, that Roderick was harvesting maize. All these things help me know my students better. But it’s a balance – the closer I get to my students, the more disconnected and disillusioned I become with my fellow teachers.
Finally getting home [after multiple more greetings] I went to get water, but was distracted by Revsoni [the 9 month-old next door] waddling through a maize field. He couldn’t even walk when I got here…and now he is getting himself lost. Then came the best part of the day – because it just flowed so well. I built a fire, and put water on [for a bath later] and then put my shoes on to get my phone from the shop. Again I got distracted by my Soya beans, and thus my skirt ended up covered in all sorts of prickly sticky seeds. As I was picking them off three students walked by and proceeded to help. What a picture we four must have made attacking my skirt. I finally got my phone and after meeting my neighbor near the tomato stand he walked me home. Well, almost. He veered off to visit a sick friend along the way. I brought oatmeal over to my neighbor and pop rocks for the kids J While we chatted, kids were sliding down an enormous rock façade using leaves as sleds! Getting home, my water was boiling and I took a hot bath and shaved. Mmmmmm.

Different Folks

2008-04-04T06:43:00.004-05:00

It is amazing how different each person's site is. I just got back from a friend's site -- and her school was crazy. She has electricity and a kick-ass science lab. We spent 4 hours organizing boxes and boxes of beackers, flasks, crazy bizarre glassware, pulley wheels, scales and chemicals I have never heard of. She had 3 life size skelatons and models of the ear, eye and mouth. It seemed unfair, well it IS unfair -- why couldn't resources be more evenly distributed? Did one school really need 3 skelatons? We cooked fabulous food: delicious oatmeal in the morning, potato curry stew with rice for lunch, and hot cocoa for dinner! It was suprisingly as cold there as it is in Kalumbu which made me happy. Inspite of that...I still prefer my home here. I remember our trainers saying when we first got our site assignments, that no matter where you end up - you will learn to love your site. And they were right. I wouldn't trade my village for anything. I love that women give me free donuts at the market when I'm buying gauvas. I love that it takes me an hour to ride a distance that should take me 30 minutes because I am called off the road by families along the way. I love that my students can interpret my funny faces and sound effects as I'm teaching. I love that I can cook things for my neighbors and that we always have something new to talk about. I love that the people around me continue to challenge my language proficiency, that they constantly teach me new words and are almost always patient in their corrections of me. I love that my house is my own, that kids come over and we draw pictures in my freshly swept yard, that they teach me dances as I teach them how to use crayons.

A Funeral, Fresh Beans and the Completion of One Term.

2008-03-20T05:20:00.002-05:00

Walking home from school last week, I took a short cut by the church where I can walk through a groundnut field thereby avoiding some unwanted attention – and I walked right into the middle of a group of women cooking for Mpingo azi amayi [women’s group]. The women cooking had already eaten, sitting and waiting for the service to end so they could serve the food. Grace, the woman that taught me how to properly weed my beans, made me sit and eat – nsima, beans and nkhwani. My guest duty complete, I helped wash dishes and then they let me help serve the food to the women as they closed service and settled on the grass. My neighbor and her friends commanded me [although politely] to sit and eat with them…I said that I had already eaten [Nadya kale] but to no avail. I just decided that dinner would consist of tea. I learned how to properly cook pumpkin properly – turns out you don’t stick the WHOLE pumpkin into the pot of water. We all have a good laugh about that J.

I feel like my presence is becoming less and less obtrusive…less children shouting ‘AZUNGU’, settling for ‘Jerini’. I feel a sense of integration as I am invited to go pumpkin picking with one of my fellow teacher’s wives, as I carry my neighbors baby on my back in the traditional Malawian way, as I bake cookies and cook pumpkin to share with my neighbors during afternoon tea, as a student gives me a huge sack of freshly picked Irish potatoes from his field. I never know what to write here; in some ways I feel like so much has happened. Then I look back and realize that what to me seemed HUGE at the time is minuet in the larger picture of life here. Last week I picked my beans and they are lying in the sun drying. I’ll be able to shell them soon. The flowers I planted bloomed yesterday…pictures to come soon. I finished painting one room of my house and hung new curtains [I think it’s very ‘Jeannine-ish]. I met one of my student’s cousins. I learned more about my neighbor’s family – and that he wants to be married by September [since I’m not getting married until September 2011, we’ve clarified that the two of us WON’T be getting married]. Last Sunday was a lovely morning. I went to church but before that I ‘pampered’ myself…I actually heated my bath water…and shaved my legs. Ah, glorious! And then I made oatmeal [from a friend’s care package] and coffee, and sat under my tree, reading until I heard the church bell pealing.

We are through with exams and have given the students their school reports for the 1st term…there were some sleepless nights spent getting all the exams marked and recorded. I had time to revise with students…and there was also quite a bit of SUDOKU playing going in class the last few days. I wasn’t about to start teaching new material…but the students needed something to do…so why not solve puzzles.

The most impression leaving event of the past weeks was the funeral I attended on Thursday. I felt I could pass it off as another teacher-ly duty – after all I had been to some 6 funeral during training...but that was not ‘home’. Getting to the village, I attached myself to the women and entered the house of mourning. The room was stuffed with women, the coffin in the center of the room with the body of the 14yr old covered in fabric, the women seated in various positions on the floor; singing, praying and weeping unbearably. As we left the house, a group of school boys came and kneeled in front of the house; the chiefs came and we walked to an open area under a tree, the coffin hammered shut [it seemed so violently final at the time] and carried to a table. Again, men and women were distinctly segregated during the speeches and sermon. Heading to the graveyard, a good kilometer away, we sang hymns in Chichewa. Graveyards here are lovely – they are in the forest with wildflowers growing all over. What struck me most was the reality of the situation. I realized that anyone of my neighbors children could realistically die – of malaria, of AIDs, of a vitamin deficiency – and I began to think about the ramifications of that; the inconsolable grief our community would have to bear, the gaping hole that child would leave; not just in the family but in a place so interconnected, the entire village. It was an overwhelming sense of concern that flooded me and as sad as I felt I was also encouraged. I’ve been struggling with my lack of a sense of purpose outside the classroom, but that feeling, this one of sorrow and genuine concern gives me confidence that I will be able to help in some way as I truly love those around me.

I will leave you with two things:
Low Moment of the week: Someone stole my Sherlock Holmes books out of my pit latrine. No more reading when I have long diarrhea squats.

Funny moment of the weeks: All of you that know me well will appreciate this. I had a meeting in a neighboring village for school the other day – so you have to imagine me in ballet flats, dress shirt and my sari skirt…riding a mountain bike :) Enjoy.

And time passes...

2008-02-29T08:00:00.002-05:00

Tuesday marks the start of exams at Kalumbu CDSS and it quite a more involved process than any of my exams ever were. To start there is the fact that we are encouraged to follow the National Exam format, so that students are used to the general procedure, meaning that each subject should have 2 papers/tests; I rebelled and only wrote one. I have been informed that next term I will conform! Then there is the matter of a timetable – we are also following the national schedule for that and are in current debate about whether to have both daily exams in the morning or give the students a two hour break and take the 2nd in the afternoon; a hot topic that will hopefully be resolved before Tuesday.
Still all this is minuet when compared to the actual construction of the exams. First we write them out by hand and submit them to our temporarily employed typist. She then types them onto some sort of stencil which we keep running out of and are continually sending someone to town for. These stencils are then used in some sort of duplicating apparatus. I am missing that land of computers and even, dare I say, copy machines.

But it was encouraging during our review sessions to realize how much my students really did learn; even those topics I felt sure they hadn’t understood. Given time to ‘ferment’ it seems that at least Photosynthesis and collection of like terms is clear if nothing else.
Low moment on Wednesday: Math Form Three. The day before I had put them into groups – their assignment was to solve one problem, ONE, and then teach the class how they solved it the following day. We were doing circle geometry and I figured if they could explain how they understood it in Chichewa or English, their classmates would be more apt to understand than if I ranted about chord properties and angle theorems for the better part of an hour. Getting into class today, not a single group had even started their problem. I was crestfallen, although had anticipated it slightly given the general nature of the class. It was my first ‘disappointed teacher’ speech and then I walked out of class. They seemed better in Biology, more engaged but it’s disappointing to work your ass off [or feel like you’re working your ass off], doing something you’ve never really done, in a place not your own, and you end up looking at a room of blank faces.

I’ve had a few interesting interactions of the past couple of days. Just this morning marks the strangest though. Usually in the morning we [my neighbors and I] are friendly but stick to basic greetings – we’re all pretty busy cooking, sweeping, bathing, getting ready for school or work or the field, so I found it odd when Patrick from next door wandered into my yard announcing I had visitors. At 5:45 in the morning, I thought. Turns out an elderly couple thought I was a health worker and would help them. I had to explain that I was just a teacher and didn’t have any medicine. They decided that instead I would be a miracle worker and asked me to pray for them. They came back in the afternoon and I prayed for them – they hinted that they were coming back, so I’m not sure if this healing prayer session is going to be a weekly thing but there was also talk of a basin, maize mill and 3rd mother…I lost the Chichewa after a while.

I’m getting better at 3 things:
1. Waiting: for things to happen, for my house to be fixed and finished, for my garden to grow, for my students to absorb and understand, for life in general.
2. At being present: I think this is connected to patience; being impatient makes you constantly aware of what you want or think you should be doing and therefore always thinking about a time and space other than the one you’re in. As I slow down I have moments of true “present-ness”.
3. At being watched or observed: I remember even at Koinonia I hated people watching me as I cooked or baked [which 12 people in a house makes a challenge]. Even here, I would stop what I was doing it someone came to visit – and for some I still do – but especially for the kids, if I’m cooking or gardening or doing dishes or laundry I chat with them as I work. However, there are two girls, sisters, whose visits I dread because they come over purely ‘kupempha’ to beg for things: flour, bananas, bottles, anything. And they don’t even put up a façade of wanting to chat. But my favorite neighbor Kafryn is four and lovely. She will come over and just watch as I work or we’ll draw pictures in the sand of my freshly swept yard and she’ll chat with me the whole time – slowly and articulately so that I understand. How amazing that a four-year-old comprehends better than most grownups that I’m slow with Chichewa. It seems people go to either extreme with language when they deal with me – they either give me the most rudimentary greeting very slowly “Muuuulllliiiii bwaaaaaanji?” not even having enough respect to use a time specific greeting. Or they after seeing that I am actually able to converse assume I am fluent and begin rattling off at a speed and in a dialect I have no hope of following.

In garden news: The wild tomato plants are thriving while my watered, weeded, cared for plants are struggling; with the help of the Medical Safety Administrator, I transplanted flowers from the non-functional clinic to my house; I’ve learned that carrots are NOT to be transplanted only thinned and I have my first visible cucumber! The garden is a-growin’.

Worthwhile Moments

2008-02-16T00:50:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was full -- up at 4:30, thanks to the rooster next door, swept the house, 'cleaned the yard' aka removed grass, swept the kitchen, did dishes, went to school [7am] and on the way stopped by the tea room for a sikono [bun] for breakfast, taught my 4 classes all in a row, ran home [buying bananas along the way for lunch] and then rode my bike to Natenje where I hitched a ride into town from a lovely old irish man visiting his daughter in Malawi :) And now I suddenly have internet. It's strange - there is no longer an adjustment. I just learn to operate in two zones, one where I cook over open fire, lesson plan by candlelight and take bucket baths and the other where I have internet, can buy yogurt and have a bathtub.

The past week has also been a full one. The students have a football and netball game next week so there has been sport practice every afternoon - meaning my school day starts at 7am and ends at 5:30pm. But it's been amazing to learn to play netball with my female students! We laugh a lot [mostly at my confusion] and I learn more chichewa!

Life is impossibly hard some days - both physically and mentally. A few weekends ago I was coming home [on bike, naturally] and it started raining so the bike was coated in mud and got stuck. A man from the village I was passing had to help me schlep it up the hill as I sobbed. Getting home, soaked, muddy and tired, I found that my fence had collapse becuase of all the rain. And then, as I was walking back from the well, with a giant pail of water on my head I slipped and fell, spilling all the water over the ground. Not a fabulous home coming. Or there are days when teaching is terrible -- students don't understand, or I am stressed by lesson planning, or my being the only woman on staff is being particularly difficult. But then days happen to make it all worth it: 1. Yobu in form 3 searching each of his fellow students pockets to find my missing crayon 2. Kafryn [4 year old from next door] walking with me to the well all four times as I got water 3. the reverend at the church giving me a loaf of bread just as I ran out 4. Chatting on my neighbors front porch each day at 4:30 on the dot 5. Making students do yoga stretches to wake them up before class 6. Being taught how to play netball by my female studets 7. Realizing that I could follow an entire conversation [and a long one a that] in Chichewa :) 8. Those moments when I truly feel content and at home here [had one the other day as I looked around at the absolutely gorgeous scenery after I pumped a bucket full of water and thought "Am I really here?"].

I am blessed by neighbors and students that engage me and keep me confident in humankind's ability to love.

How 'free-range' should chickens really be?

2008-01-18T08:24:00.000-05:00

Here I sit - in town - on my once a month restock weekend, after completing two official weeks of teaching. It is overwhelming as I try to remember how I learned in High school - how were quadratic equations explained to me? And I struggle with overlaying my experience with what my students here will have. Two of our four classrooms don't have roofs at the moment, so the form 1 class has been outside under a tree -- being the rainy season makes teaching there a bit difficult. Most of these students get up and haul water from far off wells or farm in their families fields before they make it [most often late] to class at 7:30. There are those that cannot afford pens or notebooks, the language barrier is always an issue, and in form 1 at present I have 100 students in a room intended for 20. But I am taking it in stride.

Outside of school life has been frustrating at times - things don't quite work the way they should and for most of this the chickens are to blame. I remember in my vegan days - thinking Utopically about chickens wandering around doing as they please. At this point I am ready to either kill them all or lock them up. Understand that this comes after they completely demolished my compost bin and scrapped up all of my tomato plants. But next week my neighbor is building me a new bin - I hope his survives longer than mine.

But for now, some of my favourites:
- Being invited to a student's house for lunch last week.
- Having a dance party every morning in my underwear with my Dance!Dance!Dance! playlist on my iPod
- Hearing a knock at the door only to find the church Reverend's cook at the door with a bag of bread, carrots and a HUGE cabbage.
- Walking to my water well -- it is absolutely gorgeous. I always have a moment of "Am i really here?" as I walk through the fields of ground nuts, soy nuts, and finally the maize that surrounds the well. At this point the maize stalks are almost as tall as I am.
- Thinking that I had both rats and bats in my house the other night only to climb out from under my net, flashlight in hand and finding that all the noise was from a cockroach that had landed on it's back.
- Having my form 1 students actually tell my that I had made a mistake on the board (-2 is after all NOT greater than 10)

Such is life at present. I get impatient and frustrated with myself a lot here -- but I also keep telling myself that I have time. That I don't need to know every one's name in my village yet for example....new ones keep popping up! So, when you think about me - think calming thoughts, free from anxiety and frustration. Love and miss you all!

Departure Approaches...

2007-12-13T07:19:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I am dropped off at my site...on my own officially. Yesterday we were [the 24 of us] sworn in; and are no longer called PCTs Peace Corps Traineers but official PCVs Peace Corps Volunteers! We shook the ambassador's hand and got a pin and that was that. The afternoon was a chaotically overwhelming - we had two hours to stock a completely empty house for two years. Fun times. It reminded me a bit of grocery shopping duty at Koinonia to be completely honest; keeping in mind a very tight budget and a massive amount of stuff. But I am almost done -- the only thing I have left are things I will buy in my village - straw mats, baskets and chairs.

I'm going to apologize for my lack of picture documentation - I know you miss them and that they would be far more eloquent than my words, but the internet connection here is incredibly slow and is not being cooperative. Secondly, I need to apologize for my lack of communication in the next months. I am not allowed to leave my site until April -- with the exception being that once a month I get to come into town for resupply, for things like rice and bigger bulk type items. So, internet access will be limited to that once a month town visit. But check back every now and then. That's that. Merry Christmas if I don't talk to you before then :)

Time in Lilongwe

2007-12-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

The rains have started. They are starting late this year and farmers were getting worried about their crops growing well. It was a strange feeling lying in bed with two distinct thoughts running through my head as the rains fell sharply on the tin roofs above. The first was one of joy; for my impending garden, for the farmers in my village, for the general green-ness that would follow. The second thought was Crap...is my house leaking? But it is truly amazing how fast and wonderfully things grow here. Even with just a few short spurts of rain, the trees and bushes are already so lush and alive.

The next couple days have and will be incredibly full. At present we are all living on top of eachother at the transit house in Lilongwe as we have our last training sessions, do our shopping for our sites and get sworn in as official Peace Corps Volunteers. So soon, my name will no longer be Jeannine Keller, PCT, but Jeannine Keller, PCV. I am pretty darn excited. Oddly, being in the house reminds me of my time at Koinonia; a very communal feeling in regards to space but not with respect to food. Everyone has stuff label very specifically in the cupboards and in the fridge.

But now I am off, someone else wants the computer and I am going to brave the rain and head to the market and buy some mangoes and avacadoes.

Life of a Hitchhiker

2007-12-01T04:30:00.000-05:00

It feels strange to have Internet so often in so few days. Especially when I move from no water or electricity at my house to lights and computers in town. But to be honest, the transition is no longer as drastic as I thought -- it just is.

Hitchhiking this week was a blast -- an adventure in its own right. Mini-buses are the main form of transport here - but they cram people in as if they are sardines and you usually end up with a bag of actual sardines on your lap and they overcharge you...all of which make hitching more practical and appealing. I got to see half of Malawi from the the back of an open bed truck, both on the way to Zomba on Wednesday and on the way back to Lilongwe yesterday. The country is truly amazingly beautiful - with the rainy season approaching or already underway in certain areas, everything in green and the maize is growing up tall, and the clouds are looking forever ominously dark in the distance.

I am beginning to feel a greater sense of independence here - and am in some ways dreading this last bit of training because of its 'parental structure' -- but I am also dreading leaving this group of 24 in a few weeks. These ones have been my companions through a most trying part of my life and there is a bond that forms in the place. It's hard to explain sometimes what happens here, and it is comforting to know that there is a group that I will never have to explain that to.

Moment of gratitude and pride [of myself and of Malawians]: Yesterday afternoon, riding on the back of a Matola [open back truck], sitting on top of bags of flour, maize and mangoes, packed in next to an amayi and her three year old son on one side and an ancient Muslim man on the other, the driver started haggling about price. We had been chatting, another volunteer and I, with the people around in Chichewa - explaining who we were, where we from, had been and were going, what we were doing, asking them why they were traveling, what their children did....and when we explained to the money collector that we were volunteer teachers in Malawi he accepted a much lower price than originally quoted. As we were digging through our bags, scrounging together the cash, one of the men next to me handed me a kwacha bill -- thinking that I couldn't get the fare together. I was floored. I was proud that my language and attitude was compassionate enough that this man would have compassion on me, a white foreigner, and I was proud of the Malawian spirit of hospitality and aid.

Slow, full days

2007-11-28T02:19:00.000-05:00

How do I even explain what has happened in the past 2 months? How do I explain the terrible, wonderful thing that is happening here. I guess I will try with an alteration of highs and lows.

High: Getting a high score on my language proficiency exam. It's remarkable to me that I've learned so much Chichewa in so little time.
Low: Realizing that all that knowledge still isn't enough to communicate effectively so much of the time.
High: Finally getting to see my site in Kalumbu - and my house that I will live in for the next two years. It was a life affirming moment to be able to cook and clean for myself. Hauling my own water is wonderful -- it is a constant reminder that water is a finite resource in most of the world and in this way I can clearly control my use of it. I've even gotten pretty good at carrying pails of water on my head without spilling it everywhere.
Low: Being the only female teacher at my school. It's hard to interact with only men, most of which are much older than I am and don't have much respect for women in general. But in some ways this revelation is a high, because I am looking forward to encouraging the girls in my classes.
High: Coming home last night, after a turbulent bike ride to Kampata to visit the health clinic there. I was riding on the back of my headmaster's bike when the brakes gave out in the middle of a steep hill -- and I hear 'Jemmimi JUMP!' I ended up with pretty good sized scrapes and then had to walk all the way home. Getting home all I wanted was to go to bed - but the neighbor kids had other plans...so we ended up chatting for about an hour; it was the best thing for my soul. Funny how life works that way.

I have to end it here. Three of us are hitchhiking to the Zomba Platuea in southern Malawi to go see Summer School [put together by Peace Corps] and then on Friday I will hitch back to Lilongwe to await transport to Dedza. We have two weeks of training left before our swearing in in Decemeber and then we are all deposited off at our sites.

Thinking about the states, I am missing snow and the christmas atmosphere and baking holiday cookies. I miss my family [immediate and otherwise...so that includes all friends!] and I miss being understood. Love and miss you all -- till we talk or write again!

And the departure arrives

2007-09-25T06:27:00.000-05:00

This will be short because there is a rather tense woman hovering about trying to intimidate me away from the hotel computer - but I am leaving this afternoon. It all feels so surreal. I will get on a plane this afternoon and shortly after...well, 17.5 hours after, I will be in Malawi. Does that sound strange to anyone else?

But as a whole this pre-staging bit has been good. Our group seems well balanced, both in terms of skill and experience, and personalities. Although I must say the best part of it all was that I was in Philly and got to see my wonderful friend Hope -- see where she lived and who she lived with...and stroll around the city a bit.

We've been told that we'll have no internet or phone access for the first three months...so I probably won't be back on this page before then. Thank you all so much for your thoughts and concerns, as I will be thinking and worrying about you all too. I love and will miss you! Till soon.

Brief Clarification

2007-09-03T21:07:00.000-05:00

I suppose I owe those of you reading this an apology for being coy about my tattoo. Here it is:
love mercy. do justice. walk humbly.

Vegan Reflection

2007-08-31T12:35:00.000-05:00

These past months, almost year, of veganism have been good, trying at times, but good. I've been opened up to an entirely new realm of food, activism and justice. There were times when it gave me this high, this sense of a moral high ground, similar to one gotten when fasting but not focused on the right thing. At times I was incredibly legalistic which I'm confident pushed people away and made it difficult for those that I was living with at the time. Look back, as horrified as I was by what I read, I should have moved more slowly in my conversion. Doing it so impulsively and so strictly made all 'non-vegan' products instantly desirable, purely because I "couldn't" have them. By moving more slowly the decision to remove products would have been a conscious choice, not a mandate; a process of healing, not deprivation.

As the departure for Malawi approaches, I can see significant changes in my diet in the near future. As a guest I will be offered meat and until I can explain my vegetarianism, I will be expect to consume it. I don't want to shock my stomach and I don't want to eat meat in the states, so I've decided to let dairy back into my diet - an attempt to prepare my body for change. I've always eaten free range, vegetarian fed chicken eggs, and those will remain now as well. I don't know what my eating habits will be when I get back - but I would like to think that my approach would be one of more time and greater contemplation as I search for ways to simplify my life and reduce the effect my presence has on the natural environment I inhabit.

Adventures in the melodramatic

2007-08-24T23:14:00.000-05:00

I am back in the sweltering heat of the south. I froze my week in Grand Rapids - but it was such a wonderful feeling to be able to put on more clothes to achieve a suitable body temperature rather than having to take articles off. But it appears that's what I'm doing in the picture below.

Kincso and I had planned to get them together -- that's what we had done last time but it seemed that everyone else in GR wanted to get tattoos on Monday and there were no slots open. So Rebecca came with me to a place in Houston. It made for quite the dramatic evening. First all the artists were in a meeting. So we waited. Then a guy came running in, screaming and swearing about his car getting towed to the girl behind the counter and then ran back out, threw his hat on the ground and pulled out a cigarette. Then of course everyone in the meeting filed out to see what was going on as the the guy's girlfriend pleaded -- I could have sworn I read 'namaste' on her lips. After quite a bit of back and forth, the owner of the place may have roughed the guy up a bit -- but it was all a bit melodramatic and complicated for my short attention span. After more than an hour of waiting I was finally up. And it turned out really well. Now it just has to heal.

That's all I've got at the moment. I'm tired and it's the weekend. Oh, and for the present I am only a vegetarian. More on that later.

The Cup of Divas

2007-08-13T11:50:00.000-05:00

For those who care -- I am the proud wearer of a DivaCup today. I had gotten it in once during my last cycle; then, having considered that quite the accomplishment, I took it back out and went back to tampons. But thus far, I've already taken it out and replaced it twice. It's strangely empowering, this little silicone cup, and yet it fits right into the 'feminine hygiene products' trend I've been following. I distinctly remember thinking that tampons were ridiculous -- why the hell would I ever shove a piece of cardboard [or plastic] up there?!?!?!? Pretty soon I discovered, though, that tampons were tiny miracles of a sort, freeing me to do whatever I wanted. Still, all the plastic and cotton and wrapping started to get to me. All the excess waste it all created. But still, when I first heard some amazing, strong, beautiful women talking about this little cup -- I was reserved. There was no way, no way that it would fit. It was physically impossible [an assumption that has since been proven incorrect]. It sounded awkward, not sanitary, and invasive. It still feels a bit invasive and it's definitely still awkward, but I'm confident that with practice those little hindrances will be overcome.

In other news: I am headed back to Grand Rapids for a couple days on Wednesday. I am happy to be going 'home' for a bit; to ride the Rapid, to walk around Eastown, to see friends that I won't see for a terribly long time. Oh, and I will get to send my "Malawi Duffel Bag" on its maiden voyage. It's huge -- and I really don't need that much space for 6 days worth of stuff...but I've got to make sure it can stand up to the rigors of air travel before I haul, quite literally, my life over the Atlantic Ocean in it. Wish me luck.

Hummus Space

2007-08-05T18:42:00.000-05:00

Today I Christened our food processor by making my favorite hummus -- tofu hummus, full of yummy, happy soy proteins. Mmmm. Give it a whirl if you like:

2 cloves of garlic
2 cans garbanzo beans
8oz tofu
3 juiced lemons
1/4 cup parsley
3/4 cup tahini
pinch of cayenne pepper
salt and pepper

I've been feeling terribly conflicted about personal space as of late. This afternoon, after church at Eccelesia, we went to the Houston Space Center and watched an entire film about life on the space station. It was amazing to see these astronauts and cosmonauts going on space walks, fixing bits of the station, doing scientific research and just messing around in a zero gravity environment. It made me think about what it would be like to live in very tight, very inescapable quarters for months at a time. I find myself in this tension of craving solitude and and then feeling far too solitary when I get it. College has been a time of very little solitude. In the dorms I was constantly surrounded by people, and my roommate and I got along wonderfully and so it made sense to be in the room simultaneously. The last two years have been spent in a house shared with anywhere from 7 to 11 other people. It would seem that in a house as massive as Koinonia being alone should be an easy feat -- but it never was. And I rarely sought it; only when I was utterly confused or depressed did I seek refuge in the coat closet or under the guest room bed. Even in those times when I really wanted to be alone and couldn't, it wasn't unbearable because I was surrounded by people that loved and understood me. I guess what I'm struggling with at present is that relatively soon I will be immersed in a life in which no one truly understands me -- at least not at first and that terrifies me.

Cupcake Bliss

2007-07-22T16:19:00.001-05:00

I've gotten so much of my baking inspiration from blogs that post pictures of their baking escapades and so I will follow suit. Rebecca and I late Wednesday night decided to bake some cupcakes, vanilla and triple chocolate. Naturally we'd want to decorate them and Rebecca created a frosting that, in her words, was like a pillow in your mouth. So, for your viewing pleasure I will include some samples.

Re-entry

2007-07-12T20:04:00.000-05:00

To those that read this -- I apologize for my lack of 'blogage' the last week or so. I've just been feeling so shitty that I couldn't even bring myself to write my thoughts down. It all started with my skin -- a deceptively obsessive compulsion -- and it's general lack of calmness. I have never had perfect skin; I will never claim that I have even good skin but the past months have been terrible. Breakouts in places and quantities I've never had. And I was fed up. Add to that the fact that I am horribly out of shape and a bit wigglier than I am used to and the whole thing added up to a massive amount of self-loathing. When I start to feel like that I have one of two reactions: wallowing or over-reacting. This time I opted for the former -- truly hating to get out of bed every morning facing the prospect of existing in an office full of people that would be forced to look at my hideous face all day. But after a break down one morning -- naturally after mascara had already been applied -- I realized that it would be okay. So as of that morning I have been giving my skin a break -- keeping my fingers off of my face and being more friendly to my body and giving it some exercise. I always forget what wonders a little bit of physical activity does for my physical state, but more so my mental health, thereby also making food once again a relatively inanimate object and not something capable of being friend or foe.

That was a more superficial reason for my low point and one that for the moment I feel is resolved. The still unresolved issue is that I feel like a terrible daughter and sister and friend. One that leaves when her family would maybe be better off if she stayed. One that isolates herself from her friends simply because they are far away. One that is terrified to go but even more scared to stay here. Is the Peace Corps just another one of those things that I think I need to do right now -- like how I went straight to college, not even considering time off as an option, or how I dove right into engineering not considering a switch an option because I had to get done in 4 years. Am I applying that logic to Peace Corps? Should I have waited? Really at this point it would be silly to not leave in September because I would have to reapply; going over all the doctor's visits and vaccines and fees. So, if they offer me a position I will be leaving - but I guess I've just been thinking a lot about what I will be separated from and what I will come back to.

Gargantuan Proportions

2007-06-24T17:56:00.000-05:00

They say everything's bigger in Texas. I'm not sure they were referring to locusts but if they were -- I would agree. Yesterday while I was in the backyard pulling weeds and trying to avoid pulling out the massive amount of mint the previous owners of this house felt it necessary to plant, my dad yelled "Jeannine, chum sofort da haere" ["Jeannine come here right now!!"]. An enormous locust [a cicada to be exact] had just fallen out of our tree -- it was at least 3 inches long and a pretty iridescent green blue. But I observed it from a safe distance away.

Today we went to a park/reservoir and walked along the top of the hill, watching people as they ran and biked and roller bladed or just walked like we did. We met a great man that let us play fetch with his dog for a while and then asked us some questions about life in Michigan. It was wonderful to be in a park of sorts and it almost motivated meto run -- but I think I'll still stick with biking and swimming for the time being. I finished weeding out the mint and tomato bed this afternoon and planted the basil we bought at Whole Foods on Friday and stuck in the avocado pits from last week. And part of dinner tonight consisted of tomatoes and beans from the backyard. Eating has been a bit of a challenge with my omnivore father and me. But we're making it work -- we just usually end up making two different meals.

It isn't raining right now, which is a small miracle of sorts. The sun is reflecting off of the roof and into the living room. It really is remarkably pretty down here. I'm willing to admit that. Physically I adapt quickly to a place; I adjust to temperature and weather patterns, I know street names and locations and I can maneuver life. But my heart isn't quite there yet.

Life in this metropolis

2007-06-18T13:31:00.000-05:00

How strange that my last entry was composed in the living room at the Koinonia House; Willem and Xander sound asleep upstairs, Matt laying on the couch talking about Macy, with Rob and Hope about to come in to ask if we wanted to go for a walk. That seems so very long ago. This entry is being composed at my desk at MAN Turbo in Houston, TX. I don't dread my job but I can't really say that I look forward to it either. I am plagued by heat and humidity and the inability to walk anywhere. I miss being surrounded by people that understand and support my eating habits, that talk to me about unfair labor practices and relevant environmental issues and that challenge my convictions. I miss people my own age. I seem to be in a no-mans land here -- either I am surrounded by the middle aged crowd - or gangly teenagers; there is no middle. There are some positives though: I live minutes away from a Whole Foods store, I am no longer the majority, German, Spanish, Chinese, swish-German, and Texan-English can all be heard down my office hallway, I have found an Eastown-ish area, there is a metropolitan transit system, and I already found cheap tickets back to GR.

How do you settle into a life you will only live for 3 months? And how do you help the rest of your family settle in when your own life feels like it's in utter chaos? It's been hard for me to support and help them in this move and embrace our time together when I am craving freedom and space. Last year's summer months were difficult for a number of reasons and I missed my family but I was wholly independent [well, except for still being on their insurance]. There's also a certain amount of familiarity required to sense freedom and I don't have that yet. I am still overwhelmed in this metropolis. Every excursion is an adventure and I learn more about this new city of mine.

On this day...

2007-05-19T19:34:00.000-05:00

Today I graduated. How very grown up. Going to dinner with my family tonight and the fact the the first of my house mates to move out will do so tomorrow, reinforced the finality of all of it. I am leaving this place; this place and all the people I love so much. More than anything, more than any place I would call Grand Rapids home. Midland never fit -- it was never mine. Grand Rapids is where I found people that will stick, moral imperatives that I will hold to, a way of life that is constantly changing but that I can be proud of. On this day, my life as an official, 'paper-writing, test-taking, homework-doing' student is over. Now my educational experience is in my hands alone. It is on me to look into new philosophical concepts, venues of social justice, and environmental stewardship. I worry that I won't be able to have intelligent conversations when I'm no longer in classes or surrounded by people absorbing so many different kinds of information. In short I worry. Not a new concept for me...but a new arena.

It's coming on March

2007-02-27T11:13:00.000-05:00

It's coming on March and I am having mixed feelings about the impending month change. I feel joy at the thought that summer is closing in and I feel fear when I think of the multitude of shit I need to get done in that time. February has been a wobbly month for me. I've resorted back to bad eating habits from this summer - or rather, a lack of eating in an attempt to feel control about something in my life. I am better at present - but still not completely well. I am trying to focus on the good right now. The fact that I have a house full of people that I am getting to know better, that I have friends that support and care about me, that I have a family that loves me, that I have a wonderful education, that I am blessed beyond all comprehension - but somehow that isn't as evident when I'm trying to decide whether I really want that piece of toast or not. It's a battle in my head every time I eat something...and I don't know if that's ever going to go away.

I guess I am most terrified of more things falling through. It has been a general trend as of late. Every job I've applied for has fallen. My trip to Afghanistan fell. My trip to Peurto Rico, fallen through. Relationships I've valued, fallen. And I am absolutely terrified that my Peace Corps dream will start falling too. If that falls, I don't know what I will do. So, that's been contributing to the wobbliness. Then there's the fact that I worry. I worry about my housemates and their mental and physical well-being. I worry about my family and the fact that my parents are on opposites sides of the country. I worry about the kids from tutoring. I worry that I will mess up, or let someone down. And all those worries are adding to the wobbliness.

So, half of me wants to move into March, in an attempt to leave the wobbliness of February behind. But half of me wants to stay in February, to figure how to stop being so wobbly, to not be so scared and be more secure. I wish I could stay in February until everything I need to accomplish has been finished, and everything I've put off is done, and I am healthy and strong. Then March can come.

Ramblings...

2007-02-20T11:46:00.000-05:00

Another rather gray day in Grand Rapids. However, there was a bit of sun this morning...and I didn't have brush massive quantities of snow off of my car - and that makes it a good day. Be warned that this entry will be a bit of a rambling mess. Oh, and if your name is Hope I almost done with your recommendation - and Rob hasn't even started his yet...so I get bonus points :)

My hair is getting long, granted long is a relative term. It is at an awkward stage: I could just not do anything to it in the morning...and look like a mess, or I can spend 10 minutes on it and look too done up. So, I've been aiming for the middle, adorably disheveled...don't really know if it's working though.

I am getting incredibly frustrated about this ineffective job hunt I am presently on. I just need a job for the next few months, one that pays reasonably and gives me at least 15 hours of work each week. Shouldn't be that difficult - but it is. And it continues this afternoon...wish me luck.

Thoughts on this Valentine's Day...

2007-02-14T12:00:00.000-05:00

It's days like this "National" holiday that make me wonder: 'Will I always be alone?'. It's strange to think that people my age are married and have already had children. In some ways it is better this way - I can do whatever I feel I have been called to, I can go anywhere without leaving someone behind. But that doesn't make it any less lonely. There are so many things about myself I don't understand. Why do I push myself to accomplish so much? Why do I feel lazy if I'm not doing something challenging? When did my perfectionistic nature start and why? I think I've realized the reason for it - but I don't like saying it outloud because it makes me sound conceited and judgemental. I do what I do because I have been given a brain that can absorb and use information efficiently and productively. I do what I do because I've been blessed with abilities and I should use them in a productive way. I do what I do because I believe I should be selfless. I do what I do because I've always done that. I suppose I do what I do because it gives me purpose and I fear a purposeless life. I worry that this attitude comes off as judgemental to those that don't view life in quite the same way - and I do sometimes judge...especially laziness and selfishness. But that judgement is unfair and I have no right to think it. I guess I've been thinking about my motivation because I wonder if it is the cause of my alone-ness. Is there something so clearly repulsive about myself that I just don't see? Oh, how I wish someone would enlighten me...

This dear winter wonderland...

2007-02-05T13:08:00.000-05:00

It's snowing again in Grand Rapids. It's turned into quite the Winter Wonderland here in the Dutch village. While everyone is complaining about this load of snow we're getting, I am oddly attached to it. I am realizing that this winter season will be the last time I'll interact with snow for a long time to come. That makes this beautiful winter season all the more bittersweet.
This weekend we had our house retreat. And I think things will be better this semester. We admitted that last semester didn't really work - we were coexisting more than we were creating community. And the fact that we said that outloud is a good sign. We also did an affirmation exercise that brought out a lot of our individual hopes, dreams, goals, fears, and concerns. It hit me just how much I'm going to miss Grand Rapids this summer and thereafter. I really like it here. I like the Eastown atmosphere and I feel as though I finally have a place where I fit...and now I'm going to leave. I am not only leaving people that I love, but for the first time I am going to genuinely miss a place. I've never been one to get attached to physical locations - and that makes this feel strange. But I have a few more months here...so I will make the most of that time!
I am currently in a state of utter frustration - it is nearly impossible to find a place of employment that will give me enough hours to pay tuition this semester! Uhg. So if you know of anyone hiring that will give me about 20 hours a week and pays so that I can make $250 dollars a week - PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!

One wet mile and Couscous

2007-02-02T20:09:00.000-05:00

I'm sitting in the study of this big old victorian mansion that I presently live in with a steaming bowl of couscous sitting next to the keyboard. I am finally home after a very long Friday at Calvin; one filled with pseudo-ex-boyfriends, futile part-time job hunts, egotistic professors, trips to the bank to activate another debit card due to 'breaches in the mastercard system' and a rather dreary mile long swim, before I finally drove home. Don't get me wrong, there were good moments too - for example the pseudo-ex-boyfriend and I actually conversed today, Kincso and I got to eat lunch together and we made significant headway in our senior design project, but I am facing a miserable weekend. One of grocery shopping and a retreat with people I don't know if I want to spend that much time with. This house I am supposed to call 'home' feels more like survival camp; 0ne where each member looks out for him or herself, not the least bit concerned about the wellbeing of fellow housemates. Oh, there is surface level concern - but no true desire to understand anyone else. Last year I remember doing things with and for people becuase I knew that was what they needed, that was how they showed or need appreciation. This year I don't even think I can do that for most people in my house. Some for sure I know how to read - but most completely befuzzle me. I don't operate well in a world that is so cold. Part of me wants to just coast through these next few months, not say anything, lay low and just survive until I can leave. But part of me also wants to fight for this supposed community we all agreed to. I want it found and harnessed and active in our household. I want to be able to call this place home before I leave. I don't want it to be easy for me to leave in May. But at this point - that's what it will be. I will be happy to be in a healthier environment. I apologize for the rather dismal thoughts on this Friday night.

Soon, soon...

2007-01-16T13:25:00.000-05:00

My coffee fast is over, I am sorry to report. I hadn't had any since I came back to GR after winter break - but yesterday I needed some, and so obviously I need some today. I am pretty proud of myself, though, for lasting as long as I did. Caffeine will curb hunger during the day too, so that's just an added bonus. I'm still in my internal thought mode at present - there's just so much rolling around in my head that no one knows about; love, plans, concerns, decisions to make, prayers unanswered ... the list goes on. But soon I think I'll be ready to open up, soon, soon.

Thinking...

2007-01-14T19:25:00.000-05:00

This will be a short post - because I'm thinking. I've been doing that a lot lately, but I think it's warranted. There are a million things on my mind and so much that I have to have in the forefront at all times that I haven't had a real chance to think about all the things that are being shoved to the back. So that's what I'll be thinking about when I'm not posting thoughts here. Wish me luck!

Desperation

2007-01-12T13:09:00.000-05:00

I did some calculating today - it is something that engineers do best - and I realized that if I am to finish off this semester in the black without depleting my entire swiss bank account - I have to make $250/week. Hehe. That is laughable. Unless some hapless soul takes pity on me and offers me a bartending job where I can make a ridiculous amount of money each shift - I don't know what I'm going to do. I am trying to get a job as a housekeeping assitant for a widowed mom. I would pretty much be in charge of groceries and cooking dinner everyday and laundry and random errands. The only catch is that I have no experience in this - I can cook - but I've never had to do it every night of the week. We'll see how it goes. She also doesn't say how much she'll pay...uhg. Why can't our society still based on a bartering system. Life would be so much simpler. On the more decisive end of things - I think I've decided that I will be living in Houston this summer. It makes the most sense. Rent will be cheap [living with my dad] and I can find a random job [it's a HUGE city so it will be easier than in GR] and work until I leave in September. Perfecto. Now I just have to figure out how I'm going to break the news to Kincso. And how I'm going to get down there. I don't know if my little 1987 Honda civic is going to make it. But the details will iron themselves out soon I hope. In other good news - I am feeling healthier than I have in months - lots of tea - and my holiday poundage is slowly coming off :)

Tomorrow

2007-01-09T16:34:00.000-05:00

It's snowing outside. And winding. Hard. Michael and Harriet are on a plane from Uganda to Amsterdam right now - and will be here tomorrow. A year of work culminating in one afternoon. Pretty intense. I was thinking today - I am starting to feel more together. Parts of me are returning to normal - and people are fitting into my life as I sort mine out. Granted all this 'togetherness' could just be becuase it's interim and I have more time on my hands and actually get to sleep - but the optimistic part of me believes that this is a longer lasting 'togetherness'. I can only hope that it will be. It is terrifying to me that I will be so very far away from everyone I hold dear in 9 months. I won't be able to come to anyone's rescue if I am a world away from them. That scares me. But I'm also excited. I've been thinking about what my math class will look like. Will I have a building or will we hold class in the field outside somewhere? How old will my students be? Where will I live? What market will I buy my food at? I wonder how long it will take before I can converse well enough to actually barter my way through a purchase. Will my neighbors welcome me - and show me how to cook? Will kids be running around my house all the time? My life one year from now will be very different from the one I live presently. There will be no more concrete answers or people that look like me. I will be immersed in a culture I have never seen before and see my own culture in a new light. I will no longer talk to my parents on a bi-weekly basis and will walk more than I have ever have. I will have learned a new verbal language and will still be struggling through the more confusing cultural language. I will not be as clean as I am now and my skin will probably be a slightly darker shade as the sun beats down on me. What will your tomorrow look like?

Shell

2006-11-30T17:16:00.000-05:00

It feels like it's about to snow outside and I am realizing that my walk to the bus stop will be a cold one - with no hair and no hat! Monday, I decided that the hair needed to go - again. And it's definitely gone ... much shorter than last time. But now I've noticed, to my dismay, that I don't own any proper hats! The only hat I own, my parents bought for me in Tawas, MI on our way home from the beach [in July] alongside a pair of Harry Potter towels ... in other words - not the most attractive hat.

It finally dawned on me what has been different with me this semester. I feel like a shell. Not good - but I feel like it's for the best of the world around me. As a shell I am less concerned about myself and am better able to listen to the troubles of those I am around. I am like a 'pain sponge' - but I'm starting to feel like I need to be wrung out; but how do I do that? How do I force my brain to stop sending self-doubt my way? How do I prevent stress from immobilizing my ability to help others? Where do I draw the line between watching what I eat and obsession? All these balancing acts that I used have under control are suddenly running loose and I have absolutely no idea how to reign them back in. That's all. I need to start packing up my stuff and trek out to the bus stop - hopefully with both ears still able to feel by the time I get there.

Stubborn Feline Trouble

2006-11-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

I just tried to save a cat from a very chilly Michigan night. Upon my return from work tonight (around 11:15pm) a cat jumped onto my car from the neighbor's yard and started to meow ceaselessly! Being, the cat inclined person I am [even with the allergies], I thought I would help it out. It like me well enough, even let me pick it up - but there was no way that little critter wanted to come inside. It clawed and bite me the second we moved toward any door. Odd. After three futile attempts, I decided it liked being outside - or it was just so stupidly stubborn that I didn't really want it inside with me anyway.

I don't very often have the need for someone. I sometimes need people to do things, but I rarely just need the physical person. Yesterday, more than anything, I wanted someone [that someone being, preferably, bigger and slightly more muscular than me] to just wrap me up in their arms and squeeze me really tight for a while. I needed a hug in the worst way. But, ever the stubbornly independent woman, I wept for a bit, pulled myself together and headed to house devotions. I feel like I've reverted back to my pre-Ugandan self. I have grown in such incredible ways since last January, but some of that growth has receded. I was the most honest and open about myself that following semester - and through this summer. But with the two rather negative male experiences I had in the past half year - I can't see myself ever being that open again. And in that, I see myself retreating back from everyone - not just men [although it is most apparent there] but also my closest friends and housemates. I think part of it is that I see that they are able to be in healthy, co-dependent relationships and I don't think I ever will. Jealousy is a common thing lately and I hate that. I am truly happy for them...but it's hard to realize how happy they are when you know you will never get to enjoy it for yourself.

Shorn Head

2006-10-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the Engineering building, taking a quick break (between structural and hydraulics - I can't go right from trusses to water flow) and rubbing my recently shorn head. I finally took the plunge (this past friday) and let Kincso buzz off my hair - it is fantastic to wake up in the morning and know that there is NOTHING I have to do to my hair. And I will save lots of money on shampoo and hair products in the next couple of months. I am moving toward simplicity :) It is getting cold here in Grand Rapids - we are supposed to get snow this week. As nice as that sounds - because I like snow, I would prefer that it held off until at least most of the trees have lost their leaves. Campus is in gorgeous outbursts of yellow, orange and red - the tree outside my window right now is trying to decide between green and yellow but I think yellow is winning. That's all for now. Go out and enjoy the fall day!

Awkwardness

2006-09-29T08:25:00.000-05:00

It has been a long and trying week but I am learning a lot - about myself mainly. That I am incredibly self-absorbed when I get busy and stressed out, for example. So, I've been working on that and I think it's helping me be less stressed. More exhausted but less stressed because I put myself in other people's shoes and realize that my life is fairly uncomplicated.
I talked to 'the boy' yesterday - and apparently he feels awkward around me. I don't understand. He's the one that said 'Nope, sorry Jeannine, it's just not going to work.' Okay, fine - but does that now mean that we can't even converse like normal people do? Ask me how I am, damn it! Ask what my house is like! Whether or not I like my philosophy class, whether I saw that the violence in Darfur is escalating...anything! But what would life be if it weren't an awkward series of events. I have come to realize that there will be awkward moments - and I can't avoid them - so I should make the most of it even if I hate it. Awkwardness let's you see your weaknesses and how other people make up for them. It makes you appreciate all the times when things just 'flow'. It reminds you that life will never be as easy as you want it to be - but that it's also so much better that way. Yup, so I suppose even though I felt slighted and irritated - it was a good way to be reminded of all that.

Hello America

2006-09-25T22:19:00.000-05:00

Today I was officially sworn in as a citizen of the United States of America. I'm stil figuring out what that means or how I'm supposed to feel about it - but so it stands. And the crazyness of the whole thing is that I only became a citizen so that I could leave the country. The Peace Corps requires you to be a citizen before they ship you off - so I applied in the spring and the process is FINALLY finished. I can say that I am glad that the whole thing is done - but it was so neat to be surrounded by so many different nationalities and languages this morning. I heard Russian, Romanian, Chinese, Spanish, Korean, Italian, Swedish - and various versions of broken English. I struggled through the ceromony though. The speakers and even the applicants made it seem like a joyous occasion - and I suppose in a way it was. But I felt sadness. All these people are renouncing all loyalty and allegiance to their former countries. Those are the nations where they grew up, where they went to school, where their families still are. It seemed like they were giving up a part of who they were in exchange for a supposed 'better life.' I'm not quite sure how I feel about that yet. Actually I know exactly how I feel about that - I just don't want to think hard enough to put it into writing. I just want to go to bed - so off I go.

A day in the life

2006-09-14T12:46:00.000-05:00

Following the example of my adopted older brother Steve I will give you a glimpse into a day in the life of Jeannine:

My alarm clock buzzes me awake at 6:00am, but I've already been up since 4am thanks to some strange aura in our room. My roommate Hope asks me what time it is (because she doesn't have an alarm clock yet...). I can't press the snooze button (because it's only 4min long) so I just reset the alarm for 30min more sleep time. Hope apparently didn't get up when she asked me what time it was - so now there is a mad clammer for showers (5 girls to ONE shower is not an ideal ratio). I've been fighting a cold for the past week - so the scalding water does me some good in clearing up my head. I race around getting dressed, packing my bag (for my 6 classes that I have), zoom through the kitchen to grab fruit and a granola bar for lunch and to make some African Tea to keep me awake in my morning classes. I look at the oven clock and 7:27 blinks back at me...crap! The bus comes at 7:30! I slip into my shoes, grab my coat, scarf, bag and race down the street toward the stop - hoping that I do indeed have 50cents somewhere in my bag.

Classes go by pretty uneventfully - my favourite though it Philosophy - it's making me think about thinking...oh, I love college. I plate some bacteria in the afternoon - for research - and then book it to the bus to get back home. I get off one stop early so that I get to walk a little more [and the cute boy sitting in front of me got off then, too]. I throw my bag on the floor, give Willem and Xander [our houseparents' two little boys] a quick squeeze and hello, before I bolt upstairs to change for work. White shirt, black skirt, close-toed shoes and my hair up in pins, and I'm ready to go. Make a quick peanut butter sandwhich, hop into the car and speed over to Main Dish Kitchen for 5 hours of helping soccer moms put together frozen meals for the next month. I am a hostess, waitress, buser, and chef all in one and by the end I am completely wiped out.

At home, we have house devotions - which this week, consist of mine and Matt's life stories. I always feel awkward when I finish because I invariably leave huge chunks of my life out. I always feel like my story is hard to follow and could only make sense in my head. But nevertheless, I spew my life experience for my housemates, in the hopes that they will be able to better understand me this way. I am still waiting for the house to click. We don't seem to be an entity yet - we are still all very separate and distinct...our lives don't overlap.

By 12am I am bushed and ready for bed...but Natalia, Hope and I end up talking about random things until nearly 1am. I love those conversations - we are so comfortable around each other - I feel as though I gained two more sisters...and I am so incredibly thankful for both of them. I should probably tell them that. It is on the "to-do" list for this evening!

No Love for me...

2006-09-07T11:26:00.000-05:00

I think I've decided I don't believe in being in love anymore. A rather bold statement...but let me clarify. I know that love can happen - for others. I have just finally come to the realization that it will not happen for me. I don't know why or who or what - but it is so. It's sad. But I suppose it's better that I admit it to myself now than to be in a disillusioned state for the rest of my life. I was talking to a friend the other day - who had a similar relationship experience as I this summer. And I realized - as upset and hurt and depressed as I was when it 'ended' - WE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP - officially. I don't even want to imagine the pain I would have dealt with if we had. I feel too deeply. I hurt and ache and cry when I hear about peoples' struggles half a world away. If I can feel that strongly about something so far removed from my actual being - how much more will I be immobilized by something that happens close to me - that is a personal issue? I realized that I had two options:
1. Stop feeling so deeply and passionately about things
2. Never get into a serious relationship
If I go with option 1 I will no longer be motivated in the same way. I will no longer be passionately crazy about going around the globe. I will still be involved and concerned - but there will be something missing and I need that 'something' to do what I was created to do. So, that left me with option 2 and so it stands. Implementation of said realization will be easier said than done.

My last-first day of school

2006-09-05T18:43:00.000-05:00

I've survived my official last first day of school. Although, having been on campus all summer I feel as though it doesn't count. However, I did miss my first class of the day [no - I didn't sleep through it...I was lap swimming] and it was a lab, no less. Hurrah. Then there was a minor research crisis...one half hour of pure chemical flurry. Just picture me running through the halls carrying two volumetric flasks, 3 different phosphates and a sodium acetate jar, hauling up to the 3rd floor of the science building. I think I might have pushed aside a few wayward freshmen. Apologies to you. The afternoon was a mess of walking around and attempting not to get frustrated with the severe lack of missinformation, disorganization and possibility of a rainstorm in the middle of Cokes&Clubs. But all in all my shift at the ASCE Cardboard canoe table turned out to be an enjoyable experience. Scott kept me company - and we actually had a lot of people sign up! And talked to some sweet people - saw some folk I haven't seen in a while - the general back-to-school lingo, I suppose. At the moment I am wasting time before I head to the bus stop -- another 30 minutes.

The rest of this entry might be rambling. All the housies are moved in and we finished our retreat on Monday night. I keep having to remind myself that this year will be different, and it will be okay, and Koinonia will start to feel like home again. It seems that the first year you do anything is the best year (in your head). SHARE was like that - Project Neighborhood has been like that. Although, college has not been like that. My first two years were okay - but I felt disconnected and discouraged most of the time. With PN and the trip to Uganda I feel like I finally have a group of friends that supports, encourages and challenges me. I am free to be liberal and critical, hopeful and passionate about the craziest things. They don't think I'm weird for wanting to spend the rest of my life in Rwanda or Saudi Arabia. They don't consider smoking a sin. They are open minded about same-sex-marriage, abortion, and inhumane labour practices. They get upset and frustrated with the news, with the US government, with materialism, with the underlying racism that still exists in this country. They are passionate about urban development, about fair trade, about intentional community, about ridding the world of gas consuming vehicles, and about making a difference in the place they are - right now and in the future. I love that they seek out the unfairly treated and the marginalized. That they welcome neighbors into their homes. That they ride the bus or their bikes or walk to school. And that they have let me into their community of justice and renewal. Today has been a good day.

Fingerless...

2006-08-30T13:19:00.000-05:00

I just cut off my finger!!!! Oh, ow - it certainly feels like I did! Typing is especially fun with an enormous bandaid covering my finger that I keep checking for blood leaks. So, perhaps I didn't cut it off - but I got it stuck in a door on the way back from a meeting that I wasn't supposed to be at until tomorrow (figures) and much skin has been removed. I am also proud that I know exactly where the emergency first aid kits are located all around the Science Building :) Helpful little things to know! I love that after a summer of working with toxic, corrosive, and possibly lethal chemicals - my only injuries have been caused by my bicycle, 400 pound water tanks, and most recently a door. Ironic.

Travel Woes

2006-08-25T19:59:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a very full - very interesting day. It all started at 6am when my alarm went off. And into the shower I hopped, got my things together, got in the car and headed for Detroit. Half way down the Eastbeltline I realized that I had left the house without breakfast AND more importantly, caffeine. So, quick stop at Beaner's and I was on my way. I made it to Lansing fine - and then the world turned against me. I had left myself 45 minutes wiggle room - being late to a citizenship interview is generally NOT a bright idea - deportations generally follow. Anyway - those 45 minutes were just barely enough to handle 4 traffic jams (4 of them!) and 2 torrential downpours! But I made it to the Department of Homeland Security in one piece and on time, aced my english and history 'exams' and am now awaiting approval - hurrah. I am almost an American! I met my mom for lunch at IKEA and walked around a bit before heading back to GR in the early evening. Then on the highway my tire started flapping - flapping I've found is bad news in tires. So I pulled over and part of the tire had torn off - fabulous. I found the spare and the jack and various removal tools in the trunk of my car and was perfectly capable of changing a tire - but the stupid lugnuts were on so tight - and I don't weigh 400 pounds so it was a problem. But then something amazing happened...I decided to try one more time before giving up and batting my eyes at someone as they drove by - AND IT WORKED - I got to crappy tire off, put the new one on and I was ready!!!! However, driving with a spare is no fun - 55 on the highway stunk. I was being passed by semis! But I made it home. Today, to say the least, was less exciting.

Pangs

2006-08-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

Do you ever find yourself thinking that you're over someone - only to have something happen that makes you realize that you weren't quite as over them as you thought you were? That's about all I'm going to write about that. I'm working on it though.

It's better this way though- I don't have time this coming semester for a romantic relationship - I will hardly have time for relationships as it is ... never mind one that requires my whole heart all the time. It was a healthy realization - because now I am free to just have fun, enjoy my guy friends - or guys that I meet with no romantic agenda. What a freeing realization? Of course that doesn't make it hurt any less to think that he couldn't make it work with me - but he might with someone else. But on a happier note: my fellow researcher is officially engaged to a truly wonderful girl and I am wishing them all the happiness and peace in the world. The two of them are such planners - they'll have the wedding completely organized by mid-October! Simplicity is key! It's crazy to think that I am at that age - where my friends are all getting married. The wedding last weekend really drove that point home. My dear friend will now be living with a boy - by herself - for the rest of her life ... although, I suppose I am in that boat at the moment (save the "rest of my life" part). Still, it's odd to think about!

Savior Complex

2006-08-18T21:41:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I realized what an unbelievable hypocrite I am - and that I really have no intention of ceasing my activity that makes me so. Well, I suppose I will no longer be a hypocrite because I will no longer condemn the other person. I had gotten rather angry at a guy that I had diagnosed with a "savior complex". He had [still does have] this insatiable need to always help people - sometimes people I felt should have been able to help themselves but that's not the point. I realize now why I was so upset with him - and it's because I tend to do the same thing. I see the craziness that is my life at the moment - and I have to hold it together. It can not fall apart. I am absolutely terrified that my family is going to fall apart - but my dad is away in Texas or Mexico or Switzerland and he's too exhausted and forlorn fix it, my mother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown and missing my dad too much to fix, and my sister has enough other crap to deal with to fix it - and so it falls to me. I can't afford to have problems right now - everything has to be fine ... I have to be fine ... even if I'm really not. My sanity is the only thing I have to cling to at the moment - however twisted a notion that may be. If I lose it - who will be left to maintain peace, keep order, pick up the pieces when they get scattered around, lift up spirits when they get down, be the listening ear when times suck? Until that person shows up - it is up to me.

This Wonderful State...

2006-08-08T15:30:00.000-05:00

I am SO very happy to be back in Michigan! I never thought I would want to say that - but getting back from the great Bush state...this has never felt more like home. Last week my mother informed me that she was concerned that I wasn't relaxing enough (working 2 jobs and trying to pay for school without loans doesn't really let you relax), and that she had booked me a ticket to Houston for the weekend to spend some time with the family.

So, I jostled around my schedule and left GR at 6:15pm on Thursday [by the original flight plane we should have left at 6pm]. Then we circled the Cincinnati airport for a good 45 minutes. Recap: Jeannine only had 30 minutes transition time. So, I missed my connecting flight to Atlanta...rescheduled for 6:45AM the next morning and got to sleep in a king size bed all by myself! Rising and shining the next morning was rough, but I made my plane and got to Atlanta at the happy hour of 8:30ish. Looking up at the wonderful mass of screens with all flights and gates, I was informed that my flight to Houston had been cancelled. I wonder who decides that...do they not realize that someone NEEDS that plane!?! Anyway - I think I very well may have said SHIT outloud because the man next to me swung his head around. But I was friendly and polite at the Delta desk and it got me a breakfast voucher and $50 off of my next ticket. I did eventually make it to Houston...only 12 hours later than anticipated...and a bit travel weary.

But truly, Houston is ENORMOUS...you can drive 2 hours and still be in the city. I find that a slightly ridiculous amount of sprawl. I felt conspicuous all weekend...and incredibly low maintainance...simply because I didn't have an inch of make-up on my face. You'd think it would melt off in all the heat (which was why I never even put any on), but somehow they make it stick. I don't even want to think about future health problems that much makeup could cause. They should talk to Queen Elizabeth...she knows all about that.

Warnings of Ozone Depletion

2006-08-01T07:29:00.001-05:00

Just one thing quickly: If you don't believe that Global Warming exists...go outside - turn off your damn air-conditioning and feel the suffocating air outside.

Yesterday the bus was free (it was an ozone depletion warning day) to discourage people from using their cars. I think it worked - every bus I climbed in was packed. I forgot how much I love riding the bus, how much I miss it. I love the way you get to hear about peoples' lives as they talk to each other. The old man with his cane makes me smile. The girls that don't care if everyone can hear their conversation. The very large man that decides to sit next to me - even though there are about half a dozen empty benches farther back. The bus is always a reminder to me that there is so much I have yet to learn; about racism - institutional and individual, about poverty and it's implications, about what it means to be a "granola", white, a student, passionate about human rights and the environment.

My Rocks

2006-07-25T08:04:00.000-05:00

At the moment,
waves of emotion and frustration
are flooding the inside of me,
hitting the rocks of my optimism and hope
and I'm not sure if my rocks are solid enough.

I was looking at pictures by a wonderful photographer...and he said something to this affect. I took his words and changed them, rearranged them and made them apply to me. After years of wishing my family would move to place other than Midland, MI I have finally gotten what I wanted - but not quite in the way I wanted. I suppose that was to be expected. They are moving to Houston, Texas. My dad goes this weekend ... with my mom and sister to follow in a few months. Going home this past weekend was frustrating - we were all tired, emotional and stressed out to varying degrees.

I guess this summer didn't turn out quite the way I had hoped. There was much more work than play. More stress than peace. More confusion than resolution. But in a way I can see God preparing me for my life. This move has been a long time coming - moving around so much when I was little - settling in Midland never really felt natural ... I was always antsy to go to the next place. Once again He is showing me that I shouldn't get too attached to a place. With work this summer - if I truly want to be an engineer abroad (and I do) I need to be prepared to work long days. So, the 12-16 hour days I've worked this summer have just been in preparation of that - and a reminder of how lucky I am to have been born into a family where working 8 hours on average can support a family. While the state of confusion I've been these couple of months has been exceedingly frustrating and emotional trying [but there will be some resolution tomorrow afternoon], as always I have to remind myself that life is confusing - that's what makes it worth living. Too often I find myself wishing for clarity, black-and-white situations, and contentment. I have learned that instances of clarity are when God speaks to you, black-and-white situations don't exist, and moments of contentment are rare and should be enjoyed, not abused.

Tearful Floods

2006-07-18T07:29:00.000-05:00

Last night's storm was a refreshing reminder that somehow everything will work itself out. In the heat of the past few days I have been overwhelmed with so many emotions and frustrations. But in the downpour of yesterday and early this morning, I remembered why God always tells us He is sovereign - because HE IS. And was and is to come. But to me, right now, the most important of those three is that He IS. When I got out of work late last night I walked in almost knee deep water to my car, fell into a hole in the pavement which left me with a bruise and scrape to remember it by, and then drove through nearly flooded streets to get back home. I stood on our front sidewalk for a while till I was soaked through. There was so much water - the earth couldn't even hold it. That's what I want to feel like - to have so much love, compassion, joy, peace, PASSION, understanding - that I can't hold it all in.

Is that not the life we are called to live? Should that not be our goal? But why then do I always try so hard to do it on my own? If God IS, why can't I just latch onto that? Because I am stubbornly independent, that's why. Why do I insist on doing things my own way - no matter how painful a path that may lead me down? Why did I get myself tangled up with a guy that has no sense of commitment and is so determined to be friends with everyone that he has no time to develop a relationship with me - even though he says developing that relationship is really important to him?

When I saw this picture I fell. There is such a story in this man's face. One of heartache, of pain, of tragedy - but also; such peace, in those still eyes and such hope, in the slight up-curling of the lips in the corners. I am attempting to capture his spirit in pencil in my sketch book - it has been a trial.

Fueling Hope

2006-07-14T07:39:00.000-05:00

Today is going to be a good day - I have hope. Last night was spent with a great guy, who was not in a very good mood, a tad crabby and tired. It's stinky because we only ever see each other when one or both of us is completely bushed after work. In any case we were talking about recurring thoughts that we have and I articulated something that I've never said out loud before. I have this feeling that my life thus far has been too easy and therefore - to balance out the general forces of nature - something horrid is going to happen soon. It is not paranoia as one gentleman is inclined to assume - nor is it worry. I don't live in fear of this knowledge, nor am I expectantly waiting for it to happen. I simple know that it will - I don't know what it might look like or when it might happen; but it will - that much I know. It isn't strange nor is it absurd...it is a fact. I only hope that I can maintain my generally optimistic nature through whatever life sends me. Disappointment hits me pretty hard - because I tend to get my hopes up faster than I should. Fueling hope in the midst of disappointment is a daunting task...but there are good and bad sources for such endeavors. The exhaustingly poor choice would be to do it out of my own energy stores - while the more resourceful, faithful and wise choice would be to hand it over to the Creator of hope!

Shirley Temple: the College Years

2006-07-12T07:50:00.000-05:00

Well, for those that don't see me on a regular basis - I have a full head of very bouncy curls. The perm-out-of-a-box actually turned out quite nicely. But most of that is due to my housemate Rebekah's amazingly nimble fingers with the curlers. I like that I am not attached to my hair - that I don't care if it turns out poorly - because I can just chop it off...and that's always a freeing move. However, I have not gotten to the point where I can say that I would be okay with shaving it off. It would be cool to see what my head is shaped like though! Do you ever have weeks when you think the world is coming to an end? This has been one of those for me - the doctor that blew up his building in New York, bombings that killed hundreds in India, the increased turmoil in Iraq, Palestine, Israel - it just feels like it could come crashing down at any point! But yesterday on NPR I heard that engineers are desperately needed in Iraq and Afghanistan - and that means that my life still has purpose and that is always a comfort to me. We are the physical manifestation of society rebuilding itself and that's a neat picture to me - more so than any equation or free-body diagram could illustrate.

Technological Amazement

2006-07-11T10:28:00.000-05:00

I am currently having an email conversation with an arabic translator in Egypt! This is what happens when there is little to do in the research room Science Building 113. I started thinking about my next tattoo and what I wanted and I thought some text in Arabic would be relevant. I ran across a website online that sited this woman as a translator (she can go from German to arabic too...) and I thought - Why not email her and see what happens? And thus the communication began. It's crazy to think that as she sits in Cairo and I sit in Grand Rapids we are connected by this artificial concept of the internet. Why am I so impressed by this? I send emails to friends all over the country, my family in Switzerland, friends in the remotest parts of Uganda...and yet the fact that I am having this conversation with a woman in Egypt still astounds me. Technology is many times scary, confusing and worrisome. But sometimes there is an element of wonder that I so often lose!

Peaceful Bliss...however short lived

2006-07-10T07:33:00.000-05:00

I experienced an incredible feeling this weekend - one I haven't had in a long time. Calm, peace and quiet, relaxation; whatever the best descriptive word might be. The housies went to the beach on saturday and it was great to just lay around, read, sleep and hop into the frigid water every now and again. Sunday was spent at church in the morning, then home to eat some frozen blueberries with yogurt, to the mall in an attempt to drop off an app (but no one was there), read and finished my new favourite book (Beyond the Earth and Sky), took a nap, ate dinner, went to the African Children's Choir Concert, and then came home to watch the crazy light show in the sky until bed time. The concert was amazing - I was a weeping mess for the first half, because all I could see were the children from the orphanage in Hoima, Kabaseki's two little girls and the child that grasped my hand in the slums. By the second half, I had pulled myself together, though, and was able to enjoy the kids, and their seemingly endless energy for praising their God. Oh, to be that jubilant and able to live in the moment that I am in. Not the one that just past, or the one that is approaching, but this one - the one I am living right now. I am a worrier - and I've found that I'm usually in the before or the after, but not the present. This weekend was one of those rare "present" times - it didn't matter that I was going to have to work 14 hour days this week, or that Dan hasn't called in almost a week, or that my family is moving to Texas, or that I'm afraid for my sister's well-being; I was happy to just sit in a womb chair, read a book and enjoy the cars buzzing by, the bird squawking in the tree outside the window and the possibility of a letter in the mailbox come Monday afternoon!

Man Points

2006-07-06T08:02:00.000-05:00

Right, so it's been a while. I've been pretty anit-blog...I still am. But with the midpoint of the summer rapidly approaching, I've realized that this blogging phenomenon is my only communication tool for so many of my friends. Hence, the return to this necessary evil.

Man points...oh, the things people say out loud. My housemates and I (at that point we were only three) were invited to dinner a few weeks ago. One of the guys there brought up this concept of 'man points'...Apparently points men give each other when they do something manly. Let it be said, that after 9 months of living with Natalia, I was already on edge with this guy. But then he proceeded to consider what 'woman points' would look like...washing dishes? Cleaning the house? Raising the kids? Was he serious? Did he really just say what I think I heard in the presence of at least 2 very opinionated women? WHY! I was fuming and frustrated. Are we really still in that place; where women's issues, rights, power, whatever, is still this pseudo-taboo topic that can be poked at? I don't like being poked at...physically, mentally, emotionally...any of the above. Poking is not something I enjoy (unless it's done by people I wholeheartedly trust) and I don't respond well. Needless to say, the rest of the evening was slightly strained.

But in news: I have an official citizenship interview! That was fast - and I'm nervous. Do I really want to do this? Do I really want to become a citizen of this country. I guess I've always been proud of my Swiss-ness. I realize that I don't have to give it up - dual citizenship and all - but it's still not the same. I will now be a part of this nation - when it's doing well, when it's down, when I think it's doing something horribly wrong, when I hate it's leaders, when I am frustrated with the state of the rest of the world. But it's also nifty to think that I can impact change now...in a legal and governmentally regulated way. I can vote. And as soon as I have taken my oath, my mother's ban on all things radical and revolutionary will be lifted! I can start writing letters to the nation's capitol, join protests, and give the president a piece of my mind - without any fear of getting a deportation notice. That's a reassuring thought in these unstable times.

Almost time to go...

2005-12-16T17:20:00.000-05:00

ALL DONE :) What a weird feeling, to have everything all done. Yesterday I felt absolutely useless...I almost wanted to study - it's in me, that's all I've been doing for the last few months. But so far today has been better. I'm almost done packing - and I'll leave tomorrow after work! I am so very excited to spend time with my family. And I am more than excited to leave for Uganda in a few weeks! Insane!
Abby and I went out for ice cream today (yummy ColdStone) - and then we said adios until February. I'm really going to miss her - she's one of my closest friends and I won't see her for a month and a half. I always hate this time - I get so down. I disconnect myself from everyone here - so that it won't be hard when I/they leave. But that makes it harder - becuase I seclude myself away from everyone. That way I won't have to think about them leaving. Ah, the joys of the heart.

Adopting three kids...

2005-12-11T22:50:00.000-05:00

But I was regretting the past
and fearing the future...
Suddenly my Lord was speaking:
My name is I AM. He paused.
I waited. He continued.

When you live in the past
with its mistakes and regrets
It is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WAS.

When you live in the future
with its problems and fears
It is hard. I am not there.
My name is not I WILL BE.

When you live in this moment
it is not hard. I am here.
My name is I AM.
~ Helen Mallicoat

In this I can be confident - that no matter what happens, whatever I end up doing, I know that God will never leave my side (even if it feels like He isn't there). He will never put me in a situation that isn't for my own good. I can only pray that He puts me in a place where I can be passionate and loving and kind and patient. Oh, to be there now!

I am in love - completely :) With 4th graders...three in particular. Tutoring ended on Thursday until I get back in February...and it was a sad day. Dijon, Bobby and Zarre'a are such wonderful spirits. They are such lovely children...and yet are already older than they need to be. Getting to go into their homes was an experience; I just wanted to take them all home with me; we have plenty of room! How difficult would it be to adopt three children as a twenty year old college student?

These December Days

2005-12-02T09:30:00.000-05:00

It's been a pretty long week - but now it's finally Decemeber (hurrah for Advent calenders!). This week has been weird - with Messiah taking over my life on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday - I've felt a little bit out of sorts! I've missed two house meetings and two house dinners and I'm feeling a bit isolated. These next few weeks are going to be a trial...to say the least! But I think I will survive - my motivation is Uganda!!! One month to the day....January 2!!!

Stupid Headphones!

2005-11-14T09:16:00.000-05:00

My family is a hoot!!! And I love them soooooooo MUCH! My sister had a swim meet in Flint, not really anywhere near Grand Rapids and they came to visit me on Saturday :) I wanted to shrink them down and put them in a box so that I could pull them out whenever I wanted [my dad didn't like the idea of being stuck in a box].
I met a guy on the bus this morning who took the 2am bus from Chicago so that he could be here for his 8am this morning...that is devotion! Whoa...I think I would have just skipped monday all together! So, I'm in the engineering computer lab and there's a guy with massively enormous headphones and I can hear the music...he's on the other side of the room mind you! I think that is one of my biggest pet peeves...why can't people remove their headphones momentarily, check if you can hear the music from about an arms lenght away...and adjust the volume accordingly - that way we don't all have to listen to their music. Ug. It's the same beat...over and over and over again...honestly - doesn't that get just a little bit old? Oh, well, I'm done complaining.

Uganda...South America...Same Thing

2005-10-31T23:42:00.000-05:00

God is so amazing - He really knocks my socks off somedays - well, all days really (some just more than others!). Today I had a bit of a bus fiasco (10 miles in the wrong direction, 35 minutes late for work sort of fiasco!). But God brought along a wonderful bus driver - who kindly explained my error and even called ahead to make sure my transfer bus would be there. I made it to work in one piece (and my lateness wasn't even an issue).

I've been thinking about Uganda a lot lately (especially when people don't know where it is!). I am weary of crunching numbers, confusing professors, impossible tests and just the general information cramming that I'm doing. It was bizarre at the health meeting this afternoon, hearing about all the vaccines we have to get before we leave. All these illness and diseases we've taken for granted that we'd never get - are SO prevelant in other countries. Yup, that's it on that profound thought for tonight!

And for anyone that's still confused - Uganda is not in South America - it's in Africa. Just clarifying.

Historical Art Considerations

2005-10-19T08:16:00.000-05:00

Whew - and it's wedensday again! I wonder if people living in the Paleolithic period had this same sense of "I just need to make it through the week!" Probably not - the notion of a week wasn't that defined yet. My Abby is leaving for home this evening and I'm going to miss her - I'll be all alone in class on friday :( Tutoring is going really well - I miss the kids when I'm not there (that's a good sign!) and I love it when I'm there. Even yesterday when there is crying and punching going on. The punching might have been a bit of an exaggeration.

So, this little lady on left has been on my mind a lot lately (especially thanks to my art history midterm on monday), considering functional art as well as body image in today's culture. The concept of art as a luxury is a modern idea. Historically art has always served a functional purpose (either in pre-hunting rituals, religious worship, building construction, the list goes on). The notion that you would hang something in a museum for people simply to look at would have struck the ancient Egyptians, Aegeans, and people of the Near East as a waste of money and resources. The figure here was made in 22,000 BC (or so they say) and no one really knows what it was for. There have been lenghty discussions about whether it is a Venus or just a Woman figure - either one implying very different things. I wonder if the ancient person that crafted this figurine (possibly to resemble a fertility goddess) had any idea that in 2005AD we would be studying its significance to that culture - most likely not!

Right, well I'm done with analyzing art for now - it's fun though! Let's see what else can I ramble on about until the ASCE meeting? It's been a pretty intense discussion week in the house. We've covered everything from masturbation, Christian views on sex, homosexuality, feminism, racism, genetics, husband/wife roles in a marriage - and I can't remember what else. And they aren't planned - they just emerge - I love it. I'm usually pretty quiet though - I have a hard time formulating what I'm thinking into a verbal comment. It's always so clear in my head and then when I try to say it, it gets all jumbled up!

Bus Misconceptions

2005-09-15T21:50:00.000-05:00

Oh, mercy!!! As I use a favourite exclaimation of a favourite friend's mom of mine I really mean it! I haven't written in AGES - especially with all the recent devolopments in my life (no, still no guy, so don't get too excited). On the other hand I have 8 wonderful new housemates that I am forming a family with - and it's blast. The first week during our retreat we told our life stories (when we only knew each other for a few hours). It was pretty overwhelmingly heavy - and it was like a giant leap forward. Usually you aren't that open and vulnerable with people until you've gotten to know them completely and we were going in the reverse direction. But it's been cool to see how our relationships are catching up to the level of intimacy in these past few weeks. Of course it's still awkward at times and we're still not completely comfortable with eachother - but it's definitely getting there. I love how open and warm and inviting our house is. There are always people in and out, our neighbors from Thresholds pop in and out, our friends visit and there is always something baking :) I love riding the bus in the morning and in the afternoon - being a people-watcher makes it extremely fun! This is something of immense confusion to me: the bus misconception. Everyone seems to think that the bus is this horrific experience that one would want to avoid at all cost! It's NOT BAD - in fact I am much more relaxed after riding the bus home versus driving my car back! Along with this bus discussion comes the topic of walking: walking is not a terrible experience. People have offered to drive me to the bus stop - from anywhere on Calvin's campus it is a MAX of 10 minutes to the bus stop - why would I want to be driven there???? I have two feet (usually properly attired) and I am capable of walking to the stop myself. It's just frustrating to see how car-needy our culture has become.

But, I've gotten off topic! Currently as a house we are working on our community involvement. We all have volunteer positions lined up (3-5 hours) every week. I want to do something with kids SO badly! Earlier this week I got a "project" from two little girls that were at camp this summer - and I miss them SO much. I hate to think that I won't see them at all next summer! I have no idea what I'm doing - but I know that I will not be doing SHARE again; let's just say that I've been disillusioned - not with the kids, but my fellow counselors, and I really don't think that I can handle that sort of disappointment again. So, I have a couple of options:
1. Internship in Switzerland (discuss with Prof. Nielson)
2. Summer Research with Prof. Wunder
Either one is pretty intimidating and I really haven't a clue. Going to Switzerland would be amazing - but tough - considering I'm already having seperation issues with my family and we're only 2.5 hours apart (well, a few more for my dad at the moment). I've a really hard time this year dealing with being away from home again. You'd think that it would be easier - but I think it's gotten even harder! Maybe it's because Rebecca and I are getting closer in our relationship as she gets older and it gets harder and harder to leave that. Whatever it is - it's been pretty difficult.

Nerves

2005-08-24T20:42:00.000-05:00

This might be the first time I've posted twice on the same day :) Roller blading went well - 11 miles and no scrapes or bruises! Since then I've been attempting to find the best deals on text books (without buying more illegal copies from Singapore)...and it's brought to light everything I'm nervous about:
~getting along with all my new housemates
~making it through another year of engineering classes (no, not getting through - flurishing)
~finding the money to cover my trip to Uganda
~dealing with the fact that a guy has yet to show interest in me
~leaving my sister to fend for herself for the next school year
Those are just a few things that hit me these last few hours. And of course; what am I going to do without CSI: Crime throughout the school year? Honestly - this summer I've gotten addicted to that show (and they have back-to-back episodes sometimes!). The only bad thing is when I'm home alone (at night) and I watch them. After that I double check the alarm system and have to watch a happy comedy show before I can convince myself that everything is fine.
God has seemed distant lately. I feel like even if I'd scream He wouldn't hear me - even though I know that's not true. Maybe it has to do with this shut-down mode of mine. Connecting with God on a real level would force me to face those people I'm leaving and force me to act on my emotions - and why would I want to do that? This is something I need to work on!

Awkward Wobbliness

2005-08-24T11:30:00.000-05:00

News from the home front: the Keller family is currently without a dishwasher! One would be amazed just how horrible that is! I guess I've always had the luxury of a dishwasher - and know I am learning what it's like not to have one (it isn't pretty!). But you do have to understand - my mother is very particular about how clean the dishes have to be before they even enter the washer: the plates are already nearly clean enough to eat off of before they even go in! So, I guess, it's really not that different without the machine. But, nevertheless, it is quite frustrating.
I am going roller blading this afternoon - and I always feel awkward. I've been doing it since I can remember (my mom was rather gungho about the whole thing) and I still feel like a baby giraffe every time I get up (wobbly legs, general lack of balance and an inability to stop when I need to!). Right - well off I go to brave the Rail Trail :)

Paris in the Fall

2005-08-18T21:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm here listening to my Amelie soundtrack - wishing I were in France :) Ah, to see Paris in the fall! Right, moving on: SHARE will have been over for a week tomorrow. How much I miss the kids hit me today at Kroger (grocery store) when I saw Catherine and Gabee with their mom. When they saw me it was like two bolts of lightening, shooting across the store. Wow! I wish I could love the way they do - blindly and without regard. They see right through you - and they're honest about what they see.
This is the time in the summer when I start shutting down. I distance myself from everyone. I distance myself from people in Midland becuase I know that I'm leaving in a few weeks, and I distance myself from people that are going to be in GR because that way I don't have to admit that I have to leave home. Home is such a weird word - the dictionary describes it as everything from a residence to "a valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin." A place of refuge - I don't really have a place of origin, but a place of refuge sounds right. No matter what craziness the world is throwing my way - I know that I can go home to a family that loves and supports me and will help me put my topsyturvy world right-side up again!
I went flying with my dad yesterday - and it was okay - I took a dramamine before I left (stupid inner ear) and it knocked me out. So, really, anything could have happened on the way home and I'd have no idea. I like flying over places I know because it gives me a visual reference for the next time I'm there. Like a map - but in my head. We flew up to Tawas, and I could see the beach were we always set up camp. The water looks so weird from up above - it doesn't look nearly as deep as it actually is.
Well, tomorrow I have to set up my budget for this coming school year, plan my packing (yes, I plan), and visit a friend that just had her wisdom teeth pulled :) Sleep well, all!

Nothing to be Ungrateful For

2005-07-31T21:34:00.000-05:00

Whoa - it's been a while since this Swiss citizen's post! Please forgive me: things have been a bit crazy, to say the least! SHARE is coming to a close with only two weeks left and there is so much left to do - fitting an entire lifetime of Christ's love into the next 14 days to be exact (no small task!). But let me rewind:

The Keller clan (all 4 of us) went to Toronto for a week (my only week off) and we had a blast. Really! My family in the same hotel room for a week - we were all a little kooky by the last night :) Highlights: taking the ferry to Centre Island for the day, Rebecca and I mastering the tandem bike, not using the car for 6 days, meeting funny people on the subway, buying the homeless artist down the street a huge loaf of bread, finding ourselves in Toronto's gay neighborhood (and not realizing it until much later!), seeing some AWESOME art at the art museum, learning about dinosaur/bird creatures at the ROM (Royal Ontario Museum), confusing the lady at the post office about Upper and Lower Ontario, and our general wanderings. It was really hard to get back into the swing of things after that.

So, onward with the SHARE adventure. Last week on Wednesday we had SHARE SHOW, where all the kids from all the camp sites perform songs and skits for the community. It was amazing - a complete God extravaganza :) Except for a technical difficulty prohibiting us from doing one of the skits - all went well, and the kids had a ball! It was wonderful to see everyone so excited and full of joy. The love flooded the park - wow is really all I can say! Since then things have gone a bit downhill. Two counselors have quit and one has been fired on account of green card difficulty (blasted Department of Homeland Security). So now we have 100 kids and only 8 counselors at one site in particular! But on the bright side - it's still a better ratio than last year's 260 kids and 11 counselors :) My last PA talk is this week - summing up the Armor of God. God has brought me so far this summer - especially in regard to teaching. I've realized that teaching kids things is something that I really enjoy. I really just enjoy kids in general but I love seeing that look of things clicking. No worries - my career path is not changing ;)

I've had a bit of a re-evaluating experience this weekend. A girl that I went to highschool with [1 year ahead of me] had her 21st birthday party on Saturday (well, suprise party, her mom planned it). Her senior year they found a brain tumor and tried to remove it, but had to go in again later to remove more - essentially removing nearly half of her brain. Now she talks much slower, has a really hard time walking on her own and all of her fine motor skills are hindered. My mom has been driving her to and from physical therapy this past year to help out and so we were invited to the party. I was amazed at her attitude, her sense of humor and her ability to laugh at herself and her circumstances. She was such a ray of hope and optimism yet at the same time acceptance and understanding. It made me so thankful and appreciative of all the things I can do and have been blessed to have. I can drive myself and can dash through the rain to get to church, I have a wonderfully supportive and loving family that will never forsake or leave me. I have absolutely nothing to be ungrateful for!

Losing Brain Cells

2005-07-09T12:04:00.000-05:00

We made it to break week! Wow! It has been an amazingly exhausting summer! I know that by the end of the week I will be suffering from 'children withdrawal' but right now I am enjoying just relaxing - not having to deal with irrate parents, traumatized children or preparing PA talks! On Monday morning [at 5:00 AM] my family is going to Toronto - leave it to the Kellers to go on vacation to Canada! But if you know my family well, this is pretty normal - at any rate it's better than our Wisconsin excursion two years ago. If nothing else it will be a good chance to get away from everything SHARE for a few days - as much as I love it, it has a tendency to become somewhat cult like! In a week - there are only 3 nights that I don't have anything SHARE - and one of those is saturday! Monday - extracurricular, Tuesday - site dinners, Thursday - Bible study, and Sunday - Ultimate Frisbee - which I actually really like! I'm usually really sore afterwards - running for two hours solid isn't something I normally do!
So, I'm just going to vent here for a while! I can't handle the 15 year old drama that is my sister right now! I am told that 15 year olds are normally rather ridiculus and incredibly self-centered but honestly - I am about to lose it! My sister has certain friends that I absolutely love! When they come over they 'fit' - I don't know if that's the appropriate term, but they do - they are part of the family when they're here - and they are intelligent and funny and acutally converse with you! But some others of her friends, namely ONE in particular - I think the girl doesn't have a spark of intelligence or "imagination in her" if I may qoute Anne of Green Gables for a moment! When Rebecca told her that I was going to Uganda, she said "What's Uganda?" She didn't even know that her question should have at least been WHERE'S Uganda! And listening to their conversations in the car when I'm driving them around - I feel as though I'm losing brain cells! AAAHHHH!

The S.H.A.R.E Cult

2005-07-01T21:18:00.000-05:00

Right - so it's been a while! But life at SHARE (Summer Help And Recreational Events; it's a summer day camp for needy families) is really a bit like a cult! But it's absolutely wonderful - I miss this SO much during the school year...constantly being surrounded by people that are passionately on fire for God. Whew - sometimes I feel out of breath when I get home from work. But I am learning so much - about how to trust people, how to be open with them, but mostly about God's abundant and ever-present grace. Wow - is He ever amazing! I have been doing bible messages infront of over 100 kids twice a week for over three weeks now! This is the Jeannine that gets nervous about teaching infront of a group of 4 year olds :) - I can assure you that it's not me talking! Pretty cool! But really it's the kids that teach me the most - their open love for everyone. The way the blindly trust me to take care of them and love on them. I pray every day for enough love for them and I am never lacking...some days I am so full I don't know what to do with myself. I'm even warming up to confrontation (whoa). Dealing with some of these parents has been a trip - the stories they come up with. But other times I just want to curl up in a ball in the corner when I hear some of the things they - or the kids - say. I feel so sheltered when I think of the things that happen in my own town - in Midland! Nothing happens in Midland - WRONG! Boy, does stuff happen, things that make me cringe, things that make me want to take every one of the kids home - yes, all 250 of them!

But on a more chaotic note - today was our "Sport's Day" field trip: there are field games, an obstacle course [really disgusting; flour, pudding, and old bananas were involved], and a bike rodeo [to teach the kids bike safety, but really just ends up becoming a brawl for the available bikes]. When I got back to site this afternoon I literally couldn't move! But I love that feeling, I love feeling like I've put every ounce of energy, every last C6H12O6 molecule, into what I'm doing and today was such a day!!!!

But the parentals are in Switzerland at the moment and so it's just the little sis and me at home. Oh, the joy of entertaining a 15 year old - really I feel like a taxi service - one that is still running at 12am! But tonight she has a friend sleeping over - so we went downtown (it's Midland, but we still call it downtown) to get ice-cream [them] and coffee [me] and then we wandered around, played on a playground and chatted. Yup, so now we're home and they're out on the deck star gazing and attempting to start a bonfire - I can smell the smoke already :)

Lunch Menu

2005-06-14T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well, two days into SHARE and it's going well. Oh, but we did have this mother come in last Friday. First I have to sketch her for you: imagine a VERY large African American woman wearing what looks like a long shirt as a dress...and her hair all up crazy. So, she sits down and starts filling out an app for her son who's running around in the gym. Meanwhile she's asking all these questions and telling us "Well, he's a bit of a sissy - you'll need to toughen him up" or "You really need to work on his patience and whinning" - so really she wants to drop off her kid at 10am and pick up the perfect child at 3pm! Oh, by the way - Heather, Cathy (the site director) and I are all in the office - along with Isabel (the tiny Mexican woman that runs the before and after SHARE program). So then this mom drops the almighty question - "So, do you have a lunch menu I can look at?" I just looked at her - speechless! Isabel goes "Yup I can tell you the menu - monday, wednesday, friday we have PBJ and Tuesday and Thursday we have bologne!" Then this women got all huffy "Well, I'll be sending his lunch with him then. Do you heat things up for the kids?" And she was answered with a resounding "NO!" So she's been sending chicken, rice and gravy with him in a thermos - isn't that fun. Parents are truly a trip!

Other than that things are going okay - my little sis started drivers ed last week and she's been driving this week! A bit frightening! But she hasn't run into anything yet. It's been sunny for most of today - yesterday it poured the entire day - literally! A great way to start the summer off at camp - hurrah for rain days - 95 kids running around inside :) But I am pumped up for tomorrow! So off I go :)

No Air-conditioning

2005-06-05T14:05:00.000-05:00

Whew! In dear old Midland it is currently 96 degrees out and the Kellers still haven't implantented the air-conditioner (maybe that's becuase it's only 85 in the house...my parentals rationale!). But, yup - let's see, what can I talk about? Oh, I am incredibly jealous of Abby becuase she got a new iPod...and I am still wrestling with my wimpy mp3 player! But I need to save up for that Uganda trip! I am so excited, I really don't know if I can live through an entire semester before I go. But I guess that's how it goes! Whoa...it just when down 6 degrees - I guess that's what an impending thounderstorm will do. Right, back to business. I am still freaked out about SHARE - training week starts on Tuesday and we have to prep all those innocent virgin counselors for the terrors of SHARE kids! I'm still a little down that I won't really get to spend time with the kids - except when I am giving the bible messages - yikes. But I am continually praying that God uses me as vessel this summer, for whatever plans He has for me. Well that's about it on my end! Oh, wait! IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: Abby, if you're reading this - I left a message with your sister (maybe it was someone else) yesterday afternoon (with my homephone) and if she didn't give it to you, go yell at her :)

Back to December!

2005-05-28T15:04:00.000-05:00

So, it is currently hailing here in Midland, MI. Let me repeat - it is H-A-I-L-I-N-G! For anyone that missed it - IT'S MAY!!! Almost June and it's hailing! Uhg! That's all I have to say to that! Yup, so I get to go to church and do nursery tomorrow looking like a very hungry rodent! I don't enjoy my chubby cheeks :(

3rd Molar Extraction

2005-05-27T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I am pleased to announce that my 3rd molar extraction went quite well :) I'm up and moving around - was within a few hours of the surgergy. But half of my face is still numb but I don't think I look too chipmunky! And almost no bruising! However, I apparently have an irregular heart beat (NSR 2 occa PVC). How have my doctors missed this for the past 20 years? But it seems to not be life threatening (obviously). But the PVC part made me smile (polyvinylcholride) - car doors anyone ... without or without glass beads or fibers [love you Abby!]. I miss school already. Not the work; that can wait a while longer, but I want to see my wonderful friends, I want to move into my house (I AM PUMPED - in case you can't tell). Laura (my amazing roomie, well, ex-roomie *tear*) came by and visited me today - with flowers! They really are a girl's best friend!
I am in a bit of a struggle with my pain medication. I was supposed to take another pill a half hour ago and my mouth does hurt - but isn't that the point? Isn't surgery supposed to hurt - and if you take meds so that it doesn't, does it still count. I mean, isn't pain part of the process of surgery. Is that weird ... I dont' like pain (really - I DON'T) but sometimes I struggle with all the pills we have for everything. I was watching TV pretty much all of today and there was a commercial on for another diet pill. The advertising said that you don't have to DO anything - don't change your eating habits, don't change what you eat, and don't bother exercising - and the pounds will fall off. How insane?!??!?!?! How does this happen, how does something like that ever get advertising space? Because people believe it - we will take any quick fix, no matter how unhealthy it is. Losing weight should be work (becuase it took time to put it on, it should take time to get it back off!). Right, well, that was my soapbox for today!

Throwing Chairs

2005-05-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

I forgot how weird it is to be home. Not weird-wierd, just weird. Yeah, that made a lot of sense! I started heading in to the SHARE office on Monday...good thing too! There is so much to do...pretty much plan everything - for the entire summer! And I won't be getting paid for the next two weeks of labor! AAAAAHHHHHH! Sorry, momentary panic. I have never been in charge of this much stuff in my life! Anyone that knows me well will tell you that I am HORRIBLE at deligating things...I just end up doing it all myself. And that is not going to work this summer! Enter God showing me that I can't do everything by myself - the point taken! In other words "the concept is grasped, the execution is a little elusive!" But today I was down in the storage room and all of the kids were running around, yelling, throwing chairs at each other, the general chaos; and I was so happy to be back! There is really nothing better than getting a glowing smile, a huge hug and a "JEANNINE! You came back!" from a kid you haven't seen in 9 months! Wow, God really does speak in remarkable ways! Why can't I be like that? Why can't I be that open and honest with what I'm feeling? Why can't I just tell people how I feel, why I feel that way and what I think we should do about that?

*And quick note - I do believe that I am the only one (Abby and Scott) that has updated since we've been home...just thought I would put that out there :)

Bowed before the Throne of Heaven

2005-05-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

I think I can say that I had the most fun I've ever had in a library today :) Two Scotts, an Abby, a Shalom, a 202 book and an abundance of gummy snacks (from Switzerland, mind you) make for quite the combo! Combine that with senseless cell phone tag and there was no stopping me! The fact that I took an exam this morning seems so distant to me...that was today?
I start to feel so shut off during exams...not like myself - I'm numb, at least I think that's what it feels like. I cut myself off from feeling emotional about anything...everything is facts, numbers, equations, memorization, proving that this can be done! Then I get home and I am absolutely overwhelmed with everything I numbed myself to this last week and a half. Every tragedy, joy, funny moment. Everytime I wanted to cry or scream, but didn't. Everytime something funny happened but I couldn't bring myself to laugh. All of those moments and the emotions that go with them will hit me all at once and I suddenly can't breathe. I need find that happy balance between focus and healthy emotional response. I've been having a hard time hearing God in this past week...and that always scares me. I know that He will be silent at times, but it still makes me nervous. I guess it's becuase it is at those times that I realize what it feels like to be utterly alone. The good news is that as long as I am bowed before the throne of Heaven, the silence will not be eternal!

Peanut Butter and Jelly

2005-05-15T20:58:00.000-05:00

So, for those that didn't know already...little Jeannine will be program assistant at SHARE this summer: in other words I will be giving 3 bible messages to 4 sites every week (for you math challenged ones...that's 12 bible messages per week!!!!!!!) I get nervous when I present bible messages to 4 year olds - needless to say this will be a summer of growth :) Here's hopin'. But on a happier note - one that made me smile a great deal ... I got an IM today from a wonderful friend of mine:

Dear Jeannine,
I cannot wait for you to Program Assistant!! I am so pumped for you to be in office with me becuase I really like you. PA and AA go together like Peanut Butter and Jelly I think, so we're pretty much going to have to be best friends ;-) You can be the Jelly becuase you are just so darn sweet and I can be the peanut butter because I'm a little sticky... anyways, i am pumped for this summer and i want you to be pumped for it too!
Your Peanut Butter,
Heather

I am awfully excited to be Jelly this summer...and I can't wait to see how sticky-sweet GOD is going to make me :)